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[ninefox]

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[callmefives]

"It doesn't-" He swallows, head tipping automatically into Jedao's touch wherever it falls. "IT doesn't feel like it," he admits. "It's better than before, when I could constantly see them out of the corners of my eyes, and they caught on things and strained my neck." They'd been surprisingly dense and heavy.

"But it's still... it doesn't feel like me, when I look in a mirror." He has to resist the urge to reach up and dig nails into the skin around the base of the horns, as if he could claw them out. It's something he's had to hold himself back from more and more lately. "I'm the only one here." The only clone, brother, soul deep familiar face. "And I don't even look like it anymore."

[ninefox]

He trails his fingertips over Fives' eyebrows, then his lids, forcing his eyes to close, touching so gently.

"You look like you," Jedao insists, in a steady cadence. "With two new honking big scars from a wormshit awful skirmish on a wormshit world. You look like my husband, stressed and strong and sweet and brave." Over the bridge of his nose, around the slightly messy scruff of his facial hair. "And very sexy," Jedao adds, tracing along Fives' jawline.

"But it's your body, not mine. Alec had - next phase plans, for more ablation. If you - if that's what you need." His voice quivers just a little for the first time; Jedao doesn't want to do that again. He's not a doctor. And he's knows that's the point, but it scares him, knowing how unprepared he is for something so important.

[callmefives]

Fives lets his eyes slip shut obediently and focuses on Jedao's voice, on the warm, steady, beloved familiarity of it. He never would have thought he could love someone not one of his brothers this much... except Jedao is his brother as well, in every way that matters.

"I keep trying to think of them that way," he admits. Scars aren't anything to be ashamed of, and he wears his proudly. Scars are proof that you fought and you survived. "And I just... I can't." And he sounds ashamed of that fact.

He's tensely quiet for a moment after Jedao mentions Alec, and plans for more surgery. "I don't want to make you do that again." He hadn't realized how hard it would be for Jedao going in, and he doesn't want to burden him with something like that, especially not when he can hear the fear in his voice. "And I can't... I can't let Alec." The idea makes him feel physically ill. He'd live with these forever if that was the only option.

He opens his eyes again and reaches for Jedao's hand, folds it firmly in both of his own. "Things seem... they seem as settled as they ever get around here." His voice is quiet, intense. A little shaky. And it takes him a moment longer to force the rest out, because he doesn't want to overbalance him when things have been so hard for him for so long, but he knows he's starting to spiral now that he doesn't have anything to fight but himself. "Would it... would it be too much for you if I suicided? To get ride of them?"

[ninefox]

He wants to make at least one more pitch for Alec - Jedao could be there, they could do it here, Jedao could even take point, as long as he had someone in charge who knew better what they were doing. But he can tell that Fives has more to say, and bites his tongue. His hands squeeze Fives' tight when Fives finally asks.

"Let me do it," he urges, voice hot and low. Killing he knows how to do.

[callmefives]

That's not at all the kind of response he'd expected, and he just blinks up at him for a moment, both hands still folded tight around Jedao's. He finally swallows hard, searching Jedao's face for any sign of fear or distress. "Are you sure? I don't... I can do it myself." I don't want to hurt you again. Any more than doing this at all will.

[ninefox]

"Please let me," he repeats, raw with something entirely other than pain. "I can do that. For you. With you."

[callmefives]

Fives swallows hard as he lets go of Jedao's hand with one of his own, then, and reaches up to hook it around the nape of his neck. "Yeah," he agrees, rough and low, just as raw in its own way. "Thank you, Jedao-shei."

[ninefox]

"Now?" he asks, and the intimacy of it has a certain deja vu.

"Do you want to tell anyone?" Jedao won't tell if he doesn't. But if he does, they should probably do it beforehand.

[callmefives]

"Quentin and Tris?" he answers, because it's not like he'll be able to completely hide the death toll, no matter how experienced he is at simply functioning through pain and exhaustion. And the lack of horns, and the uneven bony deformity of his forehead will be obvious enough even if he could. "I don't think anyone else will care that much. I can tell Credence after, he can handle dinner shift without me easily enough." And he's probably going to be stepping down and leaving it to him soon anyway.

[ninefox]

"Okay," he agrees. "No one else needs to know, anyway. Except Selina, maybe?"

[callmefives]

"Oh." He winces. "Yeah. Maybe it would be better to tell her after?" It might upset her less. Maybe. Or maybe nothing about it will upset her at all, she's not the same girl she was before she disappeared, after all.

[ninefox]

"She seems like she doesn't like being taken by surprise," Jedao muses. "But you know her better than me."

[callmefives]

"I don't think I know her very well at all anymore," he confesses. If he ever really had. "But... you're probably right." He sighs and reaches for the pocket he'd slipped his communicator into. There's no time like the present, after all.

[ninefox]

"Shove over a little," Jedao tells him, rearranging them so that Jedao can lie on Fives' chest while he makes the calls.

[callmefives]

Fives goes easily, and loops an arm around Jedao's shoulders as he settles against his chest, then records messages for Tris, Quentin, Selina and Credence before setting it down in the narrow strip of bed next to him.

"Do, uh... do you mind doing it now?" he asks quietly. "Once they've had a chance to respond, anyway?" He thinks he should probably give them that, he's worried it might upset Tris... and piss Selina off, but he's doing it regardless.

He's barely finished asking the question when Tris's reply comes. Jedao can hear it as well as he can, and after he answers he looks questioningly down at him. "Is that all right, Ner'karta?"

[ninefox]

"After," he agrees, a little hoarsely. He doesn't want anyone else to see him do it. (To see how much he likes, to see how he likes it, visceral and intimate and strange.) "And I'll call her?"

[callmefives]

Fives lets out a long, slow breath that's undeniably relief. He really doesn't want an audience for this, Jedao will be... he'll be good. It'll be good, just the two of them. Quiet and easy safe.

And there's just... something. About Jedao being the one to do it. He's not even sure what it is, because he hadn't been bothered by the idea of handling it himself, not when he knows he'll be back. He knows exactly how he'd do it, how easy he could make it, had planned how to minimize the mess for cleanup after... but the idea of Jedao doing it eases something in him anyway. Makes him feel warm and comfortable about it, instead of just resigned.

"Thank you." His voice is almost as rough as Jedao's, and he folds himself awkwardly so that he can kiss his forehead.

He strokes his fingers rhythmically through Jedao's hair as he messages Tris back to tell her, then sets his comm aside on the bedside table. He'll answer it again if Selina responds, but otherwise he's done. "I... I wouldn't mind. Doing it myself?" He wants to be sure Jedao understands he hadn't been asking for this. "I could make it... easy."

With his vibroblade, so he wouldn't have had to worry about slipping with the first shock of pain. Of catching a rib and missing his target and bleeding out slow, because no matter how good he is, how sure, that would be a threat with a regular knife. And a blaster... it's not how he wants to go, and he thinks it would be a harder recovery than just stopping his heart with a thrust.

"... but I'm glad it's going to be you."

[ninefox]

"You put your life and death in my hands a long time ago," Jedao reminds him. "So am I."

[callmefives]

His breath hitches at that, and he tugs thoughtlessly at Jedao's hair, not even really intending it until he realizes he's urging him up, because he needs to kiss him desperately.

[ninefox]

He hums, enjoying the tug for a moment before the intent comes through, and Jedao is scrambling to oblige, shifting and curling over Fives as though Jedao could protect him, kissing him urgently back.

[callmefives]

There is absolutely nothing subtle about this kiss, it's sloppy and urgent and wet, lips and teeth and tongue and a low, rumbling moan beneath it. "Always," Fives rasps, shaky and low. "I will always trust you with... with my life. And my death." Not to shy from it if it's necessary, not to waste it. It's as important as trusting him with his life. Maybe more.

[ninefox]

Jedao gets one arm under him, grips Fives' chin hard with his other hand, kisses him again and harder, not just responding to Fives' need now but foreceful and demanding. Fives, Fives, Fives, his husband, his soldier, his traitor. Jedao's to save, to kill, to take care of, for the rest of their lives.

[callmefives]

Fives tips his head obediently up at Jedao's touch and kisses him back, just as fierce, though less demanding now. Taking his cue from Jedao and giving over control now, giving over himself absolutely for Jedao to do with as he will. Because he's Jedao's and Jedao is his, and there is nothing he won't do for him, give to him, trust him with now.

[ninefox]

Jedao bites his lip a little, then rests his forehead on Fives', catches his breath. He feels like he has no fuse any more; every spark catches instantly.

"I'll take care of you," he promises, out loud this time.

[callmefives]

Fives groans again, panting as Jedao's teeth catch at his lip, then settles beneath him.

"I know, Ner'karta. I trust you with everything... with our brothers." Which is so much bigger than trusting him with his life.

He licks his lips, some of the somberness shifting from his gaze, though the intensity fades not one bit. He slides one hand down to Jedao's ass, the other still gripping his hair tight, and rocks his hips up a little. He's not hard yet, but he's getting there. "Can we?" His lips quirk a little, a small, warm, hopeful smile. "I probably won't be up to it for a while after," he adds, teasing.