like rubbing your skin off on nothing but silk with a few mean knots thrown in it for surprises
[Which Jedao did, once, when Kujen left him tied long enough.]
i feel like my own brain is made of pressure mines now. i ripped off the topsoil and there's nothing left but shrapnel, i can't move any direction without setting off something and
and the only way out is through. because fuck air support, i guess. this is not a perfect metaphor
i'm trying to wade through but i keep stopping to pick pieces back up and i hate
splattering everyone
i wish i could take it all at a run and just scream until it was done with but healing is the one thing you can't
who came up with that anyway, fuck that guy with a fusion candle
[how many people could you stand to watch me kill he thinks, even types most of the way out, but thankfully text slows him down enough that he deletes the words without actually sending them.
He wants to do it in his own skin. He wants to watch a world writhe under the winnowers' corpselight, and then step into it. He wants to shoot his way through a station, tireless and unstoppable, his hands steady and his breathing slow because that's how you shoot. He wants to kill until someone kills him, wants to be ripped apart with his own weapons, a gaping thing of wounds and eyes and teeth and light, the thing he always was underneath. He wants to stop fighting it and fight everything else. He wants to sleep forever. He wants to be with his king, peaceful and obliterated. He wants to kneel for a monster who cares about bitter justice.
He thinks of Fives' defeated, devastated face if Jedao killed himself, even for a little while. He can't. It hurts. He won't.
The only way out is through, and doesn't he know it. Pick a direction, soldier. March.]
space to trundle around in and a high protein diet, they're mainly insectivores, not herbivores, although some plant food won't hurt them. a covered place to hide in, and some tubes and bells and things to play with. shallow, heavy water dish or a drip tube.
It was really nice of you. It was what I needed, desperately, right when I needed it. I love you so much- and I'm sure you've heard by now I got into a fight with Fives, and it's really hard not to feel like you're so far apart.
Think you could do another fox visit tomorrow maybe?
[Jedao burned his whole forest down. But he'd been safe under a very damp log, and - Jedao hadn't had the heart to crush the thing, even with no heart at all. He'd carried him around in the hollow of his back for a while, right where it should have been.]
i'll slot you in between the muffin and the fish
and bring back at least a few shirts
i did hear. and i meant to ask, what actually were you trying to apologize for? because Fives has no idea and even I can't be sure from his somewhat garbled report
jesus I wonder if he and I even speak the same language or is like the barge translation software malfunctioning because we sure do do this like clockwork
ok so you called me and said 'don't come find me for a bit' and I was not doing that, not doing that, when I got a call from Fives saying you'd shot Newt and were peeling out into the wilderness in a blaze of fire and glory. I did some magic to make sure you weren't in huge danger and that came back clean.
and honestly to me that all sounded weird but fine because I have a higher than average tolerance for immolation and weird magic jags of fury, plus I was missing you like crazy, plus I knew you'd asked me not to come after you so I kind of said 'sorry, I won't help' and he said 'so much for being family,' or smth and hung up on me
Then he called me and said your heart had been ripped out but by then he was already pretty mad at me for ignoring him the first go around, and he said 'fuck your boundaries,' which is a phrase that will probably echo in my ears for months (and I'm not super sure either of you will get why because you both come from horrific violating hellscapes but just never say that to anyone ever and tell him not to either) and kind of coloured how I responded because I then did the rational thing and started swearing at him which obviously helped the situation so fucking much.
he showed me your goose heart and it was more of the same- I don't talk about this a lot but magical soul truncation is also just a fact of life back home. ugly as fuck and definitely worrisome enough that I immediately wrote him a spell to help but I'm sure it seemed like too little too late
I was already steaming mad because I am so done with being someone's family until the minute I disobey them. it just felt like such a fucking typical
he found you and that was all okay, and my brain caught up to my mouth and I realized that probably we were talking past each other- that he symbolically felt like I'd rejected him first by refusing to help with what he was experiencing as a life or death situation, so I called him and asked him to come over and apologize for not reacting appropriately. Even if I thought he was overreacting I should have been nicer to him about it. I was so caught up in not stepping on your toes that I didn't see he was really freaked out. But from his perspective I guess it was already too late, because he got here and it was just. a wall. Which is within his rights. Being owed an apology doesn't mean you have to accept it?
None of which is what you were asking about. Short version; I think I made him feel like I didn't care, and of course I did, I really love him. That's what I was trying to apologize for.
[Jedao switches to voice; he wants to show this to Fives later, and there are things he's going to say that Fives doesn't necessarily have to see.]
Yeah, pretty much.
Don't rub it in his face, or anything, but I'm - I'm grateful you didn't. Come after me, I mean. Which is selfish, because I know he was so fucking scared after days of me being almost catatonic, and alone except the heart thing, but -
- for what it's worth. Thanks.
[That, first. He thinks - hopes - it will be some comfort.]
I don't think he and I are going to be able to talk again for awhile. He's badly hurt, in a way that isn't going to make it possible for us to talk about the fact that he really fucking hurt me too, although probably to a lesser extent. I can't just swallow it, and it'd be inappropriate to ask him to help me work through it. But the alternative is just to let it fester, and that's not going to go well. And you can't mediate when you can't look at me.
[He has to break off for a minute coughing, right after. But there's your boy, Q.]
I guess that's why you told him to leave? So you wouldn't have inappropriate feelings at him? When all he wants is some hint that he's worth a real person having feelings about, because he doesn't really believe it.
[His tone is as soft as his throat can manage right now, a rueful gentle mourning.]
He still thinks I'll get bored of him, you know. Every single time I have a crazy and pull away, he thinks it's forever.
I told him to leave because I was starting to cry and I am not his problem.
[He says, and he's starting again now, god damn it, when will this be over?]
And you can tell him so? Fuck, you can play him this if you think it'd help. But I'm so fucking mad at all of you jackasses who don't believe I give a shit about you when you're the most important people in my lives. It keeps happening and it's such a horrible feeling. Spending months doing the math and magic to, you know, save all the clones, but he's prepared to believe on a dime that I'm a piece of shit who doesn't care about him at all? I didn't do it so he'd owe me but I thought I deserved the benefit of the motherfucking doubt. Oh my god I could have cursed him into a fucking newt, I was so mad. Tell him to stop making his own self-worth issues other people's god damn damage and get a fucking grip.
[He pauses, blowing his nose somewhat noisily.]
I don't mean that. But Jesus, Jedao, you love some complicated people.
You can tell me to shut up if you don't want to hear me defending him.
[Jedao figures he owes Quentin the chance to request that, since Fives did.]
Before he came here, outside of other clones, all the people he most adored and respected in the world treated him like disposable canon fodder. You don't have to care about him to be a good person. To be wise and amazing and kind. You'd just do it because you're good, and maybe because you love me.
I probably will, at least pieces. But, darling - he wants you to be his problem. That's what family is. Fuck your propriety, and fuck your useless fucknugget parents who didn't teach you that, and cry on him already.
I really, really don't think he wants that right now.
[He says, and blows his nose again, getting most of his breath, running a hand through his hair. Oh God.]
I mean, ask him, and if I'm wrong I'm wrong and I'll apologize again, but he was so mad at me, Jedao. And I'm not okay enough right now to just keep running head first into that particular brick wall.
[Mercy tastes strange in his mouth. But he doesn't hate it.]
You reached out before, so. It's his turn. But if I do get him to try - I really mean it. You're allowed to get feelings on him. Even when it's messy or not 'fair'. Family isn't about fair. It's about being there anyway.
Fox knows I'm failing at it a little spectacularly right now, but - fuck, you're both as fucked up as you are about this because of how badly you both want it.
I think the one thing it might help to talk about is that for him, family is obviously about having each others backs, no matter what. And for me, it's about trust. Not in an immediate 'this situation is on fire' kind of way, but in a low key, general, this person is doing their best with the tools they have kind of way.
If he can't believe that about me eventually- then that's my line in the sand with all this. I know it might not ever happen, I know he's got some baggage of his own, but I can't be this emotionally under someone who's prepared to accept based on one misunderstanding that I don't give a fuck about him.
[That hurts to hear, less because Jedao would mourn for what could have been between the two of them, though he would, and more because of how sharply it puts into relief that Jedao doesn't have that line, that he's accepted that Fives might not ever actually be capable of believing how desperately Jedao loves him.
It makes him think about it at all, and thinking about it hurts every time. But for Jedao, for Fives - it's worth it.]
Jean saw a lot of it in my head, when she was making sure there weren't any...well. He once took my fire out and replaced it with the cup of acceptance. He made me all sorts of people when he was bored enough.
I'll tell her she can tell you. It's - fuck, darling, it's so ugly. But.
[But Jedao chose to know rather than go crazy wondering. He supposes, despite every instinct to the contrary, Quentin has the right to make the same choice.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
like rubbing your skin off on nothing but silk with a few mean knots thrown in it for surprises
[Which Jedao did, once, when Kujen left him tied long enough.]
i feel like my own brain is made of pressure mines now. i ripped off the topsoil and there's nothing left but shrapnel, i can't move any direction without setting off something and
and the only way out is through. because fuck air support, i guess. this is not a perfect metaphor
i'm trying to wade through but i keep stopping to pick pieces back up and i hate
splattering everyone
i wish i could take it all at a run and just scream until it was done with but healing is the one thing you can't
who came up with that anyway, fuck that guy with a fusion candle
no subject
you could raze some enclosure city
but you'd have to see me
tw war crimes, gore, suicidal thoughts
He wants to do it in his own skin. He wants to watch a world writhe under the winnowers' corpselight, and then step into it. He wants to shoot his way through a station, tireless and unstoppable, his hands steady and his breathing slow because that's how you shoot. He wants to kill until someone kills him, wants to be ripped apart with his own weapons, a gaping thing of wounds and eyes and teeth and light, the thing he always was underneath. He wants to stop fighting it and fight everything else. He wants to sleep forever. He wants to be with his king, peaceful and obliterated. He wants to kneel for a monster who cares about bitter justice.
He thinks of Fives' defeated, devastated face if Jedao killed himself, even for a little while. He can't. It hurts. He won't.
The only way out is through, and doesn't he know it. Pick a direction, soldier. March.]
can you
always wear something with color
Re: tw war crimes, gore, suicidal thoughts
will you take me shopping some time?
mostly i own black t-shirts
no subject
put my hand prints all over you even when I can't be there
no subject
Box in the bow stairwell?
no subject
also speaking of dead drops do you like the hedgehog
no subject
no subject
no subject
Think you could do another fox visit tomorrow maybe?
no subject
i'll slot you in between the muffin and the fish
and bring back at least a few shirts
i did hear. and i meant to ask, what actually were you trying to apologize for? because Fives has no idea and even I can't be sure from his somewhat garbled report
no subject
ok so you called me and said 'don't come find me for a bit' and I was not doing that, not doing that, when I got a call from Fives saying you'd shot Newt and were peeling out into the wilderness in a blaze of fire and glory. I did some magic to make sure you weren't in huge danger and that came back clean.
and honestly to me that all sounded weird but fine because I have a higher than average tolerance for immolation and weird magic jags of fury, plus I was missing you like crazy, plus I knew you'd asked me not to come after you so I kind of said 'sorry, I won't help' and he said 'so much for being family,' or smth and hung up on me
Then he called me and said your heart had been ripped out but by then he was already pretty mad at me for ignoring him the first go around, and he said 'fuck your boundaries,' which is a phrase that will probably echo in my ears for months (and I'm not super sure either of you will get why because you both come from horrific violating hellscapes but just never say that to anyone ever and tell him not to either) and kind of coloured how I responded because I then did the rational thing and started swearing at him which obviously helped the situation so fucking much.
he showed me your goose heart and it was more of the same- I don't talk about this a lot but magical soul truncation is also just a fact of life back home. ugly as fuck and definitely worrisome enough that I immediately wrote him a spell to help but I'm sure it seemed like too little too late
I was already steaming mad because I am so done with being someone's family until the minute I disobey them. it just felt like such a fucking typical
he found you and that was all okay, and my brain caught up to my mouth and I realized that probably we were talking past each other- that he symbolically felt like I'd rejected him first by refusing to help with what he was experiencing as a life or death situation, so I called him and asked him to come over and apologize for not reacting appropriately. Even if I thought he was overreacting I should have been nicer to him about it. I was so caught up in not stepping on your toes that I didn't see he was really freaked out. But from his perspective I guess it was already too late, because he got here and it was just. a wall. Which is within his rights. Being owed an apology doesn't mean you have to accept it?
None of which is what you were asking about. Short version; I think I made him feel like I didn't care, and of course I did, I really love him. That's what I was trying to apologize for.
no subject
Yeah, pretty much.
Don't rub it in his face, or anything, but I'm - I'm grateful you didn't. Come after me, I mean. Which is selfish, because I know he was so fucking scared after days of me being almost catatonic, and alone except the heart thing, but -
- for what it's worth. Thanks.
[That, first. He thinks - hopes - it will be some comfort.]
no subject
So.
no subject
[He has to break off for a minute coughing, right after. But there's your boy, Q.]
I guess that's why you told him to leave? So you wouldn't have inappropriate feelings at him? When all he wants is some hint that he's worth a real person having feelings about, because he doesn't really believe it.
[His tone is as soft as his throat can manage right now, a rueful gentle mourning.]
He still thinks I'll get bored of him, you know. Every single time I have a crazy and pull away, he thinks it's forever.
no subject
[He says, and he's starting again now, god damn it, when will this be over?]
And you can tell him so? Fuck, you can play him this if you think it'd help. But I'm so fucking mad at all of you jackasses who don't believe I give a shit about you when you're the most important people in my lives. It keeps happening and it's such a horrible feeling. Spending months doing the math and magic to, you know, save all the clones, but he's prepared to believe on a dime that I'm a piece of shit who doesn't care about him at all? I didn't do it so he'd owe me but I thought I deserved the benefit of the motherfucking doubt. Oh my god I could have cursed him into a fucking newt, I was so mad. Tell him to stop making his own self-worth issues other people's god damn damage and get a fucking grip.
[He pauses, blowing his nose somewhat noisily.]
I don't mean that. But Jesus, Jedao, you love some complicated people.
no subject
He just...
You can tell me to shut up if you don't want to hear me defending him.
[Jedao figures he owes Quentin the chance to request that, since Fives did.]
Before he came here, outside of other clones, all the people he most adored and respected in the world treated him like disposable canon fodder. You don't have to care about him to be a good person. To be wise and amazing and kind. You'd just do it because you're good, and maybe because you love me.
I probably will, at least pieces. But, darling - he wants you to be his problem. That's what family is. Fuck your propriety, and fuck your useless fucknugget parents who didn't teach you that, and cry on him already.
no subject
[He says, and blows his nose again, getting most of his breath, running a hand through his hair. Oh God.]
I mean, ask him, and if I'm wrong I'm wrong and I'll apologize again, but he was so mad at me, Jedao. And I'm not okay enough right now to just keep running head first into that particular brick wall.
no subject
[Mercy tastes strange in his mouth. But he doesn't hate it.]
You reached out before, so. It's his turn. But if I do get him to try - I really mean it. You're allowed to get feelings on him. Even when it's messy or not 'fair'. Family isn't about fair. It's about being there anyway.
Fox knows I'm failing at it a little spectacularly right now, but - fuck, you're both as fucked up as you are about this because of how badly you both want it.
no subject
If he can't believe that about me eventually- then that's my line in the sand with all this. I know it might not ever happen, I know he's got some baggage of his own, but I can't be this emotionally under someone who's prepared to accept based on one misunderstanding that I don't give a fuck about him.
no subject
It makes him think about it at all, and thinking about it hurts every time. But for Jedao, for Fives - it's worth it.]
That's fair.
I'll talk to him.
no subject
[He says, brain catching up, face getting hot.]
But it's so good to hear your voice. And you're so good when you're solving the problems of the universe and returning it to balance.
no subject
And anyway it kind of helps. He would never -
- he wasn't like this.
no subject
[Because he's going a little crazy.]
no subject
[Just a trace bitterly.]
Jean saw a lot of it in my head, when she was making sure there weren't any...well. He once took my fire out and replaced it with the cup of acceptance. He made me all sorts of people when he was bored enough.
I'll tell her she can tell you. It's - fuck, darling, it's so ugly. But.
[But Jedao chose to know rather than go crazy wondering. He supposes, despite every instinct to the contrary, Quentin has the right to make the same choice.]
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)