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[ninefox]

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[magician_king]

I told him to leave because I was starting to cry and I am not his problem.

[He says, and he's starting again now, god damn it, when will this be over?]

And you can tell him so? Fuck, you can play him this if you think it'd help. But I'm so fucking mad at all of you jackasses who don't believe I give a shit about you when you're the most important people in my lives. It keeps happening and it's such a horrible feeling. Spending months doing the math and magic to, you know, save all the clones, but he's prepared to believe on a dime that I'm a piece of shit who doesn't care about him at all? I didn't do it so he'd owe me but I thought I deserved the benefit of the motherfucking doubt. Oh my god I could have cursed him into a fucking newt, I was so mad. Tell him to stop making his own self-worth issues other people's god damn damage and get a fucking grip.

[He pauses, blowing his nose somewhat noisily.]

I don't mean that. But Jesus, Jedao, you love some complicated people.

[ninefox]

He doesn't think you're a piece of shit.

He just...

You can tell me to shut up if you don't want to hear me defending him.

[Jedao figures he owes Quentin the chance to request that, since Fives did.]

Before he came here, outside of other clones, all the people he most adored and respected in the world treated him like disposable canon fodder. You don't have to care about him to be a good person. To be wise and amazing and kind. You'd just do it because you're good, and maybe because you love me.

I probably will, at least pieces. But, darling - he wants you to be his problem. That's what family is. Fuck your propriety, and fuck your useless fucknugget parents who didn't teach you that, and cry on him already.

[magician_king]

I really, really don't think he wants that right now.

[He says, and blows his nose again, getting most of his breath, running a hand through his hair. Oh God.]

I mean, ask him, and if I'm wrong I'm wrong and I'll apologize again, but he was so mad at me, Jedao. And I'm not okay enough right now to just keep running head first into that particular brick wall.

[ninefox]

You don't have to keep running at it.

[Mercy tastes strange in his mouth. But he doesn't hate it.]

You reached out before, so. It's his turn. But if I do get him to try - I really mean it. You're allowed to get feelings on him. Even when it's messy or not 'fair'. Family isn't about fair. It's about being there anyway.

Fox knows I'm failing at it a little spectacularly right now, but - fuck, you're both as fucked up as you are about this because of how badly you both want it.

[magician_king]

I think the one thing it might help to talk about is that for him, family is obviously about having each others backs, no matter what. And for me, it's about trust. Not in an immediate 'this situation is on fire' kind of way, but in a low key, general, this person is doing their best with the tools they have kind of way.

If he can't believe that about me eventually- then that's my line in the sand with all this. I know it might not ever happen, I know he's got some baggage of his own, but I can't be this emotionally under someone who's prepared to accept based on one misunderstanding that I don't give a fuck about him.

[ninefox]

[That hurts to hear, less because Jedao would mourn for what could have been between the two of them, though he would, and more because of how sharply it puts into relief that Jedao doesn't have that line, that he's accepted that Fives might not ever actually be capable of believing how desperately Jedao loves him.

It makes him think about it at all, and thinking about it hurts every time. But for Jedao, for Fives - it's worth it.]

That's fair.

I'll talk to him.

[magician_king]

Don't worry about it right now. Jesus, I really didn't mean to drop all this on you- this is such small potatoes compared to your thing.

[He says, brain catching up, face getting hot.]

But it's so good to hear your voice. And you're so good when you're solving the problems of the universe and returning it to balance.

[ninefox]

I'm tired of my thing. I feel more like me when I'm solving something. And I asked.

And anyway it kind of helps. He would never -

- he wasn't like this.

[magician_king]

So does anyone else on board know who he is that I could ask?

[Because he's going a little crazy.]

[ninefox]

There's always Mikodez.

[Just a trace bitterly.]

Jean saw a lot of it in my head, when she was making sure there weren't any...well. He once took my fire out and replaced it with the cup of acceptance. He made me all sorts of people when he was bored enough.

I'll tell her she can tell you. It's - fuck, darling, it's so ugly. But.

[But Jedao chose to know rather than go crazy wondering. He supposes, despite every instinct to the contrary, Quentin has the right to make the same choice.]

[magician_king]

Is he already dead?

[He asks, very quietly, prepared to shatter space and time and reality to claw through and make it so, if it isn't already.]

[ninefox]

[Our son-]

The kid killed him.

[Soft, so soft, warm and proud.]

Enclave Jedao.

[magician_king]

Cthulhu Jedao?

[He says, just as pleased.]

Little badass.

[ninefox]

Yeah.

...fuck, there's - fox and hound, I don't want to tell you this, but I should, if you really -

There's a recording of him. From that flood. If you - it's what made me realize how much I could be missing, how much I had to find out.

The first time he changed me, I think. If you want to see it. You don't have to, I told you the main bit already. Or you could watch it...later, when you're not so hurt already.

[magician_king]

I do want to. But let's wait a bit until we're both not emotional hamburger.

[He proposes, breathing getting nice and slow and easy.]

Can I read to you?

[ninefox]

It's so fucking funny, though. Under all the awful. I can see him deciding never to use a short body again, just because Shiang isn't paying enough attention to him. And then he does it for the next four hundred years, ages after she dies. Vain bastard.

[There's something terrible, terribly fond, mixed in with Jedao's contempt. It would be so much easier to separate Quentin from Kujen if part of Jedao didn't love them both. Complicated people, indeed.]

Yeah. That'd be nice.

[magician_king]

So he uses bodies, and his bodies tend to look tall and thin and monochromatic?

[Says Quentin, years late to the party.]

[ninefox]

And pretty. And pale eyed, if he can swing it. And usually math geniuses in their own right, so he doesn't get too bored.

[His voice goes just a bit dry again; so, yeah.]

[magician_king]

Well, that's dumb. This body is not as much fun as it's cracked up to be. May he have found a hundred bad backs and a drastically increasing eyeglass prescriptions.

I'll just have to get used to wearing fuschia or something. What's your favourite colour?

[ninefox]

He'd have fixed all that when he was cutting your tenderness out. Perks of the package when selling the rest of your life.

You've seen my room. Anything, really. Jewel tones and neons. Any shade of purple. There's a gold that's lighter than Shuos and Kel gold, kind of honey colored, that makes me think of fresh hay. Any green except ray green, any blue except rose.

[magician_king]

How do you feel about olive?

I don't know what ray is, but olive's like those corduroys I have. The ones I love and you think don't fit.

[ninefox]

Olive is okay.

It's like...

[There's a soft rustling sound, and the camera comes on. A small bronze paperweight is enameled with a stingray sigil.]

That's ray green.

[It's the same color palette as the robes of the woman performing the Festival of Dust.]

[magician_king]

Ew.

[Says Quentin, deeply disapproving of whatever that's supposed to be.]

Better show me rose blue, too. Roses are read in my colour scheme.

[ninefox]

Dark blues, mostly.

[A pause, a flicker - and then it's Jedao's deck of cards, with the little hand painted animal borders, showing the Ace of Roses]

Red's fine.

[magician_king]

I look kind of weird in red.

[He warns- striking, but like he's lost all the blood in his body.]