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[ninefox]

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[callmefives]

"I have faith in you, Jed'ika. Always." Faith in the one thing that counts more than anything--that he absolutely will do whatever it takes to free their brothers. Even when he'd been angry with him about the soul bond with Horseriver it hadn't been because he'd ever thought Jedao would choose to abandon their war, it had been because he thought he'd been careless, taken chances that couldn't be justified. That he might be prevented, no matter what he personally might choose.

"I know you'll always be there for me." Even if he can't always trust he'll be there for him in all the ways he wants. He tries to, but... it doesn't seem realistic, no matter how often Jedao tells him or shows him or proves it to him. He'll always be his brother, he'll always love him, but expecting to always have this feels like... too much, when there's so much more important.

[ninefox]

"Okay, your dick should have more faith in me," Jedao mumbles, because that definitely makes sense.

"You should try reading me one of those manuals with no pants on, see how long I hold out," he suggests dryly, only half kidding.

[callmefives]

Fives laughs quietly, warm and startled, and really wishes he could kiss him. "Just tell me when, I'm game when you are."

[ninefox]

"I'll get there," he says softly, remembers his much more dramatic reassurance to Quentin, I promise, I promise I'm coming back to you -

He turns his head a little, brushes a soft kiss over Fives' sternum, then settles his head again, carefully letting his eyes drift closed.

[callmefives]

Fives sighs quietly at the kiss, warm and content, and tips his head a little so it's resting against his own biceps. He hasn't opened his eyes since Jedao told him to close them, and he won't, but relaxed and exhausted as he is, he'll probably stay awake, savoring this feeling for as long as it lasts, and watching over Jedao's sleep, however much he manages. It's the first time in over two weeks he's actually had any real hope of getting back to where they were.

"You will, beloved," he whispers in Mando'a, and actually means it. "Now sleep."

[ninefox]

He doesn't fall asleep right away, but he does stop fussing, closes his eyes too and lets Fives' heartbeat lull him into a doze, his breath dropping subconsciously to match the rise and fall of the chest underneath him. He does sleep eventually, for almost three hours, and doesn't dream.

[callmefives]

Fives does stay mostly awake, though more relaxed than he's been since the start of this. He listens to Jedao's slow, steady breathing, and marks when he goes from awake to dozing, to finally asleep without ever opening his eyes, and lets himself drift in the warmth and comfort of his presence. He dozes off occasionally, but never for long, he doesn't want to miss this, and when the crying doesn't come and doesn't come and doesn't come he almost wants to cry himself.

[ninefox]

Jedao hums softly as he starts to wake, first aware only of warmth and then secondly of something that makes him think of the smell of fresh hay, although there isn't any, not even anything scratchy -

"Fives," he realizes, blinking his eyes open. He's with Fives, and no one can get at him, and - he's with Fives.

[callmefives]

Fives smiles at the sound, feeling relaxed and so warm, inside and out. "Jed'ika," he answers, his voice sleepy and a little bit rough from the hours of peaceful quiet. "You slept almost three hours."

He still hasn't opened his eyes once.

[ninefox]

"M'comfy," he says, and nuzzles Fives a little.

[callmefives]

"Me too, and there's no reason we have to move." He'd happily stay here hours longer if Jedao's content to.

[ninefox]

"Okay," he agrees. He doesn't talk for a while, not sure what to say that wouldn't break the gentle warmth of the moment. Eventually though -

"It's going to be okay, cyar'ika. Really it is. I already had this inside me, waiting. Now it's all - raw and rotting and exposed. But now that I can see it, I can start dealing with it."

[callmefives]

It's easier to believe that, now, with Jedao's warmth over him, his familiar weight bearing him down into their bed.

"I wish I could help somehow," he answers quietly. "Make it... hurt you less. But I'll be here, for as long as it takes. And I'll do whatever I can."

[ninefox]

"You help," Jedao promises softly. "You're my first best reason for fighting to be okay again. Not the vod'ike, I could win the war broken and I fucking know it. But I want you more than air and I'll fight off as many sets of my own demons as I have to, to keep you."

[callmefives]

Fives' breath catches, then shudders out raggedly, and he's glad his arms are tied to the headboard now, because he's not sure he would have been able to resist the impulse to wrap them around Jedao otherwise.

"I'm glad. To be that for you," he whispers, then adds, even quieter, "It's getting... easier to believe. Really believe." Because he knows Jedao's well aware of how fucked up he is about it, he knows that's why he keeps reassuring him, and he hates that he has to do it. Hates that he needs it. "I'm sorry... that it's been hard." That it might still be, sometimes. "I love you so kriffing much." And he's never been able to keep anyone he truly loved.

[ninefox]

Jedao scrambles a little, moving over Fives, grips Fives' face in both hands and kisses him, fast and fierce.

[callmefives]

The sudden, absolutely unexpected perfection of it cracks him wide open. Even as he's surging up into the kiss, as best he can while still bound, he's sobbing into it, tears leaking suddenly from beneath his still tightly closed eyelids. It's going to be all right. No matter how long it takes it's going to be all right.

[ninefox]

Jedao pants faintly, presses gentler kisses to Fives' eyelids, tasting the shimmering salt, then kisses his forehead, then his mouth again. Then he just breathes, forehead resting against Fives'.

"Believe it," he whispers. "I love you so much."

[callmefives]

He can't seem to stop crying now that he's started, but after the initial choking sob it's just a steady trickle of tears and an unsteady series of shuddering breaths. He wants so badly to open his eyes right now, but he tips his face up for Jedao's gentle rain of affection, kisses him back when he lands on his mouth again... and the tears fall just a little heavier when Jedao rests their foreheads together.

"I will," he answers, fierce and choked despite how quiet it still is. Like something about this moment requires the extra intimacy of lowered voices. "I will, Jedao. I try. I do. And... and I will. I promise." He can't break his promise, not to Jedao, so he'll have to make himself keep believing. No matter what.

[ninefox]

"You can look, baby," Jedao murmurs, stroking tears off Fives' cheek with a thumb. "Oh, darling. You're so good, you're trying so hard, I know. I'm so so lucky to have you."

[callmefives]

He blinks his eyes open, and for a moment his vision is watery and out of focus. He's so kriffing tired of crying, and yet... there's something cleansing and almost soothing about it. As though it somehow helps to settle the emotions that cause it in the first place.

"It's not that I don't trust you. It's never been that I don't trust you," It's just as fierce and quiet as the last, and he tips his head back and just a little to the side so he can brush a quick kiss to Jedao's cheek. "I promise it's never been that." It won't ever be that.

He sniffs a little and takes a steadier breath, bites his lip for a moment until he's sure the waterworks have stopped, then smiles up at Jedao. "We're lucky to have each other. You've worked so hard for me, for us, you deserve for me to do the same."

[ninefox]

Jedao tucks his face against Fives' neck for a few breaths, just presses and shudders.

"I know it's not about me."

But it's still - his promises meaning so little, against the weight of Fives' lifelong self-disregard. No matter how reasonable he tells himself that is.

"Thank you." A raw whisper.

[callmefives]

He closes his eyes for a moment, and breathes through the sharp rush of pain at Jedao's reaction, at the sudden realization that... that this hurts him. Has hurt him.

"I think," he finally whispers, without opening his eyes. "... I think that maybe it needs to be about you, for me." He blinks his eyes open again, and they're damp with fresh tears. "That I need to remember that... I owe you this. No matter what my first instinct is, that-"

He frowns and bites his lip for a moment, waiting for his voice to steady again. "That I owe it to you to remember that it's... it's my damage, and it isn't fair to put it on you. That... you will never be one of the people who told us we mattered, then spent us like nothing more than ammunition."

[ninefox]

Jedao nuzzles him gently, one hand clinging tightly to the opposite shoulder.

"I don't give a fuck about fair. I'll carry anything you need me to." He presses a dry, faint kiss to Fives' jawline. "But I wish you could believe. For you."

[callmefives]

That just has him sniffling again, ridiculous though it feels. "But I care, Jedao. I... I don't want to be one more thing that hurts you. Not in any way I can help. You've been hurt too kriffing much."

He presses his lips to Jedao's temple, and he's so fucking glad for his closeness right now. "I want to be... to be somewhere you come for peace. And rest. I don't want you to have to carry any more pain for me." And maybe that's what it will take, to always remember how his inability to accept his own value in anyone else's eyes hurts Jedao. Maybe that will finally give him the strength to get over it... and stop hurting himself as well. "Not if there's anything I can do to stop it.

"... and if I make myself learn to believe for you, then someday I'll believe for me, right?" he asks quietly, lips twitching into a faint, hopeful smile. "But for right now, you've fought so many of your own demons for me, I can do this for... us.