Fives smiles at the sound, feeling relaxed and so warm, inside and out. "Jed'ika," he answers, his voice sleepy and a little bit rough from the hours of peaceful quiet. "You slept almost three hours."
"Okay," he agrees. He doesn't talk for a while, not sure what to say that wouldn't break the gentle warmth of the moment. Eventually though -
"It's going to be okay, cyar'ika. Really it is. I already had this inside me, waiting. Now it's all - raw and rotting and exposed. But now that I can see it, I can start dealing with it."
"You help," Jedao promises softly. "You're my first best reason for fighting to be okay again. Not the vod'ike, I could win the war broken and I fucking know it. But I want you more than air and I'll fight off as many sets of my own demons as I have to, to keep you."
Fives' breath catches, then shudders out raggedly, and he's glad his arms are tied to the headboard now, because he's not sure he would have been able to resist the impulse to wrap them around Jedao otherwise.
"I'm glad. To be that for you," he whispers, then adds, even quieter, "It's getting... easier to believe. Really believe." Because he knows Jedao's well aware of how fucked up he is about it, he knows that's why he keeps reassuring him, and he hates that he has to do it. Hates that he needs it. "I'm sorry... that it's been hard." That it might still be, sometimes. "I love you so kriffing much." And he's never been able to keep anyone he truly loved.
The sudden, absolutely unexpected perfection of it cracks him wide open. Even as he's surging up into the kiss, as best he can while still bound, he's sobbing into it, tears leaking suddenly from beneath his still tightly closed eyelids. It's going to be all right. No matter how long it takes it's going to be all right.
Jedao pants faintly, presses gentler kisses to Fives' eyelids, tasting the shimmering salt, then kisses his forehead, then his mouth again. Then he just breathes, forehead resting against Fives'.
He can't seem to stop crying now that he's started, but after the initial choking sob it's just a steady trickle of tears and an unsteady series of shuddering breaths. He wants so badly to open his eyes right now, but he tips his face up for Jedao's gentle rain of affection, kisses him back when he lands on his mouth again... and the tears fall just a little heavier when Jedao rests their foreheads together.
"I will," he answers, fierce and choked despite how quiet it still is. Like something about this moment requires the extra intimacy of lowered voices. "I will, Jedao. I try. I do. And... and I will. I promise." He can't break his promise, not to Jedao, so he'll have to make himself keep believing. No matter what.
"You can look, baby," Jedao murmurs, stroking tears off Fives' cheek with a thumb. "Oh, darling. You're so good, you're trying so hard, I know. I'm so so lucky to have you."
He blinks his eyes open, and for a moment his vision is watery and out of focus. He's so kriffing tired of crying, and yet... there's something cleansing and almost soothing about it. As though it somehow helps to settle the emotions that cause it in the first place.
"It's not that I don't trust you. It's never been that I don't trust you," It's just as fierce and quiet as the last, and he tips his head back and just a little to the side so he can brush a quick kiss to Jedao's cheek. "I promise it's never been that." It won't ever be that.
He sniffs a little and takes a steadier breath, bites his lip for a moment until he's sure the waterworks have stopped, then smiles up at Jedao. "We're lucky to have each other. You've worked so hard for me, for us, you deserve for me to do the same."
Jedao tucks his face against Fives' neck for a few breaths, just presses and shudders.
"I know it's not about me."
But it's still - his promises meaning so little, against the weight of Fives' lifelong self-disregard. No matter how reasonable he tells himself that is.
He closes his eyes for a moment, and breathes through the sharp rush of pain at Jedao's reaction, at the sudden realization that... that this hurts him. Has hurt him.
"I think," he finally whispers, without opening his eyes. "... I think that maybe it needs to be about you, for me." He blinks his eyes open again, and they're damp with fresh tears. "That I need to remember that... I owe you this. No matter what my first instinct is, that-"
He frowns and bites his lip for a moment, waiting for his voice to steady again. "That I owe it to you to remember that it's... it's my damage, and it isn't fair to put it on you. That... you will never be one of the people who told us we mattered, then spent us like nothing more than ammunition."
Jedao nuzzles him gently, one hand clinging tightly to the opposite shoulder.
"I don't give a fuck about fair. I'll carry anything you need me to." He presses a dry, faint kiss to Fives' jawline. "But I wish you could believe. For you."
That just has him sniffling again, ridiculous though it feels. "But I care, Jedao. I... I don't want to be one more thing that hurts you. Not in any way I can help. You've been hurt too kriffing much."
He presses his lips to Jedao's temple, and he's so fucking glad for his closeness right now. "I want to be... to be somewhere you come for peace. And rest. I don't want you to have to carry any more pain for me." And maybe that's what it will take, to always remember how his inability to accept his own value in anyone else's eyes hurts Jedao. Maybe that will finally give him the strength to get over it... and stop hurting himself as well. "Not if there's anything I can do to stop it.
"... and if I make myself learn to believe for you, then someday I'll believe for me, right?" he asks quietly, lips twitching into a faint, hopeful smile. "But for right now, you've fought so many of your own demons for me, I can do this for... us.
"Okay," Jedao whispers, then takes a deep, shuddering breath.
"If I slept that long it must be almost dinner." He still, desperately, doesn't want to sit in a room full of people, but - he feels actually hungry. He sits up drops one last kiss on Fives' mouth, wipes his cheek with the palm of Jedao's glove before he starts unwinding the ropes.
Fives sighs and stretches a little, wiggling his fingers and confirming that the circulation is still fine. "Yeah, I have to get going soon so I can open the kitchen for Credence." If he wasn't needed to do that he wouldn't feel bad about missing the start of dinner service, given how little help Credence actually needs. (No help, Credence needs no help at all.)
He smiles into the kiss, and it widens at Jedao's request. "Of course. Given Credence doesn't actually need me there you won't even have to wait until the shift is over." And if Jedao's actually asking for food he's not going to risk missing the window of opportunity.
"Mhmmm." He doesn't bother arguing, just smiles up at him as he finishes untying his arms. "I think me being there just irks him half the time," he admits. "But... it's amazing to watch, even if I've rarely felt so useless in my life."
He won't move until Jedao has released him and then had a chance to move away.
"Yessir," he murmurs, smiling up at him. Once he's moved away Fives sits up and finds his shirt to pull back on.
"I think there's going to be some kind of curried rice tonight, but I'll bring some of whatever looks good," he promises as he heads for the door. Good to Jedao, even if it does still boggle Fives that he doesn't like sweets. At least he likes spicy things, so it's not a complete travesty.
Jedao has a weird pang of something that's half homesickness and half something else, remembering the time he whined about all the bread and Holden made him curry.
"Yeah. That'd be nice."
And it is nice, later, sitting cross legged on the floor together, eating curried rice.
After, Jedao suggests sleeping on Nico's version of the Roci - their old room, with two bunks, close without either cuddling or forcing Fives to sleep on the floor. He cries again that night, but after Fives manages to wake him up, and they have tea, Jedao tries going back to sleep and gets a few more hours.
It's familiar and comfortable, this way, lying beneath Jedao and listening to him breathe. Even if it's no easier listening to Jedao cry, or waking him up. But he'd been happy in the Roci, even with all they'd been struggling with at the time, and he can go up to the little kitchen and make them breakfast, the pancakes Holden had taught him, plus some eggs and bacon. It makes leaving to go about his duties afterwards a little easier too.
The ease doesn't last, though, not after his conversation with Credence, and Fives shows back up in the cabin they share a good hour before his maintenance shift should end. He's haggard and miserable and confused looking, and he just glances around to make sure Jedao's not on the bed before padding over to it and collapsing face down.
"I think I fucked up," he mumbles into the bedding.
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He still hasn't opened his eyes once.
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"It's going to be okay, cyar'ika. Really it is. I already had this inside me, waiting. Now it's all - raw and rotting and exposed. But now that I can see it, I can start dealing with it."
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"I wish I could help somehow," he answers quietly. "Make it... hurt you less. But I'll be here, for as long as it takes. And I'll do whatever I can."
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"I'm glad. To be that for you," he whispers, then adds, even quieter, "It's getting... easier to believe. Really believe." Because he knows Jedao's well aware of how fucked up he is about it, he knows that's why he keeps reassuring him, and he hates that he has to do it. Hates that he needs it. "I'm sorry... that it's been hard." That it might still be, sometimes. "I love you so kriffing much." And he's never been able to keep anyone he truly loved.
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"Believe it," he whispers. "I love you so much."
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"I will," he answers, fierce and choked despite how quiet it still is. Like something about this moment requires the extra intimacy of lowered voices. "I will, Jedao. I try. I do. And... and I will. I promise." He can't break his promise, not to Jedao, so he'll have to make himself keep believing. No matter what.
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"It's not that I don't trust you. It's never been that I don't trust you," It's just as fierce and quiet as the last, and he tips his head back and just a little to the side so he can brush a quick kiss to Jedao's cheek. "I promise it's never been that." It won't ever be that.
He sniffs a little and takes a steadier breath, bites his lip for a moment until he's sure the waterworks have stopped, then smiles up at Jedao. "We're lucky to have each other. You've worked so hard for me, for us, you deserve for me to do the same."
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"I know it's not about me."
But it's still - his promises meaning so little, against the weight of Fives' lifelong self-disregard. No matter how reasonable he tells himself that is.
"Thank you." A raw whisper.
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"I think," he finally whispers, without opening his eyes. "... I think that maybe it needs to be about you, for me." He blinks his eyes open again, and they're damp with fresh tears. "That I need to remember that... I owe you this. No matter what my first instinct is, that-"
He frowns and bites his lip for a moment, waiting for his voice to steady again. "That I owe it to you to remember that it's... it's my damage, and it isn't fair to put it on you. That... you will never be one of the people who told us we mattered, then spent us like nothing more than ammunition."
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"I don't give a fuck about fair. I'll carry anything you need me to." He presses a dry, faint kiss to Fives' jawline. "But I wish you could believe. For you."
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He presses his lips to Jedao's temple, and he's so fucking glad for his closeness right now. "I want to be... to be somewhere you come for peace. And rest. I don't want you to have to carry any more pain for me." And maybe that's what it will take, to always remember how his inability to accept his own value in anyone else's eyes hurts Jedao. Maybe that will finally give him the strength to get over it... and stop hurting himself as well. "Not if there's anything I can do to stop it.
"... and if I make myself learn to believe for you, then someday I'll believe for me, right?" he asks quietly, lips twitching into a faint, hopeful smile. "But for right now, you've fought so many of your own demons for me, I can do this for... us.
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"If I slept that long it must be almost dinner." He still, desperately, doesn't want to sit in a room full of people, but - he feels actually hungry. He sits up drops one last kiss on Fives' mouth, wipes his cheek with the palm of Jedao's glove before he starts unwinding the ropes.
"Bring me something?"
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Fives sighs and stretches a little, wiggling his fingers and confirming that the circulation is still fine. "Yeah, I have to get going soon so I can open the kitchen for Credence." If he wasn't needed to do that he wouldn't feel bad about missing the start of dinner service, given how little help Credence actually needs. (No help, Credence needs no help at all.)
He smiles into the kiss, and it widens at Jedao's request. "Of course. Given Credence doesn't actually need me there you won't even have to wait until the shift is over." And if Jedao's actually asking for food he's not going to risk missing the window of opportunity.
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He won't move until Jedao has released him and then had a chance to move away.
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"Go on, cyar'ika."
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"I think there's going to be some kind of curried rice tonight, but I'll bring some of whatever looks good," he promises as he heads for the door. Good to Jedao, even if it does still boggle Fives that he doesn't like sweets. At least he likes spicy things, so it's not a complete travesty.
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"Yeah. That'd be nice."
And it is nice, later, sitting cross legged on the floor together, eating curried rice.
After, Jedao suggests sleeping on Nico's version of the Roci - their old room, with two bunks, close without either cuddling or forcing Fives to sleep on the floor. He cries again that night, but after Fives manages to wake him up, and they have tea, Jedao tries going back to sleep and gets a few more hours.
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The ease doesn't last, though, not after his conversation with Credence, and Fives shows back up in the cabin they share a good hour before his maintenance shift should end. He's haggard and miserable and confused looking, and he just glances around to make sure Jedao's not on the bed before padding over to it and collapsing face down.
"I think I fucked up," he mumbles into the bedding.
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