Fives turns his face into Jedao's neck, still flushed and shuddering, and tells himself that it doesn't matter. That it's progress, a step in the right direction; that Jedao had wanted it and enjoyed it and he's not using him, no matter what it feels like. It mostly works.
"The morning you touched me," he whispers into Fives' hair, and for all that they wake up every other day in a pile, there is only one morning he could possibly mean. "As soon as you left, I - I imagined something like this. I don't think it took me five seconds."
Muffling himself in their pillows, stroking himself hard and desperate to the idea of Fives holding him, getting off on him, in several meanings of the words, instead of just the metaphorical one that had been true at the time. "Fire and ash, the smell is even stronger this time."
He shivers at the image that conjures, and his breath shudders out wetly against the skin of Jedao's neck. He wants to see it, but this isn't about him. Not right now. "I can... I can leave," he offers quietly, not moving to look at Jedao. "If you want to... take care of things?" He doesn't want to, but he will if that's what it takes.
Fives presses his lips to one of the marks he left on Jedao's neck, soft and a little reverent, wondering at having been allowed, and hoping it won't upset Jedao now that things are... calming down. The fingers at the back of his neck are grounding, soothing, and he sighs at the warmth in Jedao's voice.
"Okay." He does shift a little, just so he's not resting his full weight against Jedao, and settles comfortably against him. "... thank you, Jed'ika," he adds in an almost whisper as he tips his head against Jedao's shoulder so he can look solemnly up at him.
"I don't thank you enough, cyar'ika. But it's only because I don't know how to even begin. Do you remember, that day at the pond, we talked about - happiness, and hope, and pain. And why people choose to live. I wanted to die when I met you."
His voice is soft, steady, a smooth cadence to match the brushing of his fingertips, the slow steadying out of their mutual heartbeats.
"I'd wanted to die for hundreds of years. I was - very quietly, very angry, that the ship wouldn't let me. I'd earned it, and I was denied. I'm - willing to live, for the mission. For all the vod'ike. But I want to live because I have you."
Fives splays a hand out over Jedao's heart, blunt fingers spread wide over the bare skin of his chest where his jacket's open. Feels Jedao's warmth and breath and heartbeat and lets himself breathe, steady and slow, as he listens. It... hurts, to think of Jedao wanting death, to think of him just enduring for the sake of a purpose he feels responsible to, and it's... it's frightening, honestly, to be the reason he wants to live. Frightening and overwhelming but also. Good. Warm. To be something that good in his life.
He reaches up to gently brush his fingertips to Jedao's bottom lip, then across to cup his jaw. "I... can't imagine life without you, anymore," he confesses quietly. "I don't... I don't want to try." Which is dangerous, and frightening, because everyone in his life has always been disposable, and life has always been, will always be, dangerous. But it's true.
He twitches a little at the touch to his mouth, hands balling momentarily into fists. He breathes.
"I can. Imagine. I don't want to either."
He half-hides his face in Fives' hair. "There's things about - being with you. That scare the hell out of me. Not just sex. I'm not - I haven't done this, very much. Loved people. It hasn't...gone well for me. Historically. But being without you scares me so much more. I need you. And I know that's - a lot. And I know I can't promise not to fuck it all up. But I promise, you aren't going to lose me for being difficult. For pushing. Kidneyfucking scorpions, I push you all the time! I'm so scared of. Being bad for you. I need to know you'll push back."
A breath, a cough, an echo. "Not, uh, just sex." Although that's. Good. Helpful.
He's lost so much, over and over and over again, but nothing like this, because he's never had anything like this; he really can't wrap his mind around exactly what it would do to him to lose it.
He pushes up a little on one elbow so he can look properly down at Jedao, expression solemn and a little sad. "I've lost... I've lost everyone I've ever loved. I've lost... everyone." Loved or not. His first memories are all tied in fear and pain and loss, and almost every memory after. He thinks of Rex's handprint on his chest, in Echo's memory. Hevy's rotary blaster on his shoulder. Watching the Rishi eel snap up Cutup like a snack, Tup going limp and grey on the table on Kamino, and dozens and hundreds and thousands of others, on planets all over the galaxy. Dying in fear and pain and chaos. Over and over. And then... just picking up and moving on, because it's what they were made for. "It's... scary. And hard." And he can't seem to stop loving regardless.
"No one's ever needed me. We were... we were never allowed to need, or even to want, and... I don't know how to do. Any of this? So I don't... I don't know when it's okay to push, what's normal, what it's okay to... to want. But you've taught me more about... about being allowed to want? Than anyone. I'm just. I'm still figuring it out? How it all works? But you care, you want things for me, and for our brothers, that I've never even thought of, never could have known were options.
"I just... I think we're learning together? And we're probably going to both fuck up? And that... screwing up scares the osik out of me." Because fucking up, being wrong has never been an option. Never been safe. It's terrifying. "So I can only promise that... that I'll try." He ducks his head a little, terrified that what he's offering won't be enough for Jedao, but he can't lie to him. He won't.
Jedao's arm goes tight for a moment, slung over his shoulders, a fierce embrace.
"That's all I'm asking for," he answers, relief palpable in his voice. "And - I don't know what's normal either. Or care. Saying no is still easier than please. I want to hear what you want. And don't want. And..the rest we'll work out together?"
Fives almost collapses against him in relief, dropping down until he can press their foreheads together again. "I'll try to remember that, cyar'ika," he promises. "I'll try to push, and let you say no when it's too much." Respect his strength and ability to protect himself, rather than handling him too cautiously. "And I'll try to tell you what I want... when I can figure it out." Which he's not always good at until the moment has passed and he realizes that something hadn't worked for him, or remembers that he's allowed to say no, now.
He's quiet for a moment, forehead still pressed to Jedao's, eyes mostly shut, just breathing as some of the fear-adrenaline eases before he speaks again in an almost whisper. "It still... it doesn't feel. Fair. Ruining that for you."
"Fair is for accountants and sporting events," Jedao says decisively. "I love you, I'm not keeping score."
He strokes his hand down the line of Fives' vertebrae. Fives was so careful not to lie to him.
"I do like him. A lot. But I don't need him, not like I need you. Not like I want you to feel happy and safe. You aren't ruining anything, you aren't - making me do or not do anything. I get to choose what's most important to me, that's all. And that's you."
Fives arches into the touch like a cat, easy and supple and warm, then settles back against Jedao with a soft, slow exhale. "Just... remember that it goes both ways, Jed'ika. That I love you, and... and I want you to feel happy and safe, too," he murmurs, rocking their foreheads gently together. "That I want you to... to have the things you need. And want." And he wishes he could figure out how to give him this one thing.
"I'll remember." He tilts his face the extra inch it takes to press a brief kiss to Fives' mouth. "I feel. Happy and safe right now."
Which feels weird to say, but he's pretty sure it's true, that this is what it means. "Maybe in a few months when we're...steadier, and also hopefully fucking like rabbits, you'll feel differently, and we'll try it. Or maybe you won't ever feel differently. Either of those is okay."
Those few words make Fives beam like the sun suddenly coming out; the idea that he's making Jedao feel that way. "I'll... I'll try, Jed'ika. To figure it out. To feel differently." To let him have this.
Jedao has to shove a hand into the small space Fives made between them and press the heel of his palm hard against his pants where he's still half-hard, despite the fraught conversation.
After a second, he catches his breath, eases up
"I think -" seriously, how did he get so beautiful. Focus, Jedao. "I think you'll be happier, if you do figure it out? Because now you feel guilty and confused. But I don't want you to - to try to force yourself to feel differently for my sake."
Fives goes absolutely statue still as Jedao shoves his hand between them, not even breathing as he realizes what Jedao's doing. The urge to rock down against Jedao is almost overwhelming, despite the sticky, cooling mess in his pants, but this is something he's already pushed on, already heard Jedao's no to. He wants so much, though.
He doesn't move or breathe again until Jedao shifts, and then he's trembling slightly. He forcibly puts it from his mind, though, and focuses on Jedao's words.
"I... I want to feel different. I want... I want to not feel this way." For Jedao, yes, but also for himself. He doesn't like feeling like he's denying Jedao something simple that shouldn't be a problem. He doesn't like feeling selfish when Jedao gives him so much. And he really doesn't like the idea of controlling someone he loves when he's spent his entire life under the control of others.
"Okay," he agrees softly, because he can understand that. After a shaky breath he returns his hand to stroking up and down Fives' back.
"I would...advise. That you focus more on understanding it. Trying to force yourself not to feel things - I mean, you can do it. We both know that. But it's always got costs. You can't lock up a piece of yourself without turning more of yourself into a prison."
His smile doesn't fade so much as mellow into something smaller and softer but just as warm, and he drops a light kiss on the corner of Jedao's mouth in pleasure at his understanding.
"I... I won't. That would be-" His brow furrows a little. "It would be going back on my promise to you, to do it that way. And I'd rather understand. So it doesn't happen again."
Jedao kisses him again, a little longer this time, nothing wild, just a second or three to let himself linger. After he pulls back, his eyelids flutter for a moment, his gaze fixing on the pseudoceiling of the bunk above them, bites his lip for half a second.
"Not to ruin the moment. But I really want to get off. Soon."
He hasn't remembered to lift the arm still wrapped around Fives' shoulders.
Fives sinks into the kiss and lets it soothe the instinctive, bone-deep worry at having admitted that. At having admitted any of this. Even among brothers it's safer to take comfort without ever admitting that it's needed, that you're frightened or worried or hurt or weak. Safest to never even admit it to yourself. But it's different here, and it will be different at home when they return. It has to be. He wants more for his brothers than the viciously circumscribed life they've led... and he wants more for himself, as well.
When Jedao pulls back he stays close, watching the flutter of Jedao's eyelids, the way his teeth indent the softness of his still-swollen bottom lip... and then goes absolutely still again, breath stuttering at Jedao's words, at the image they conjure, at how much he wants to see it, or better yet make it happen. But he can't. He can't push there. He promised to trust Jedao to say no, to accept it when he does, and he's said no.
"I... I should probably shower now. Anyway." His voice is decidedly not steady, and he's gone just a little pale, but he smiles and leans down to drop another kiss to Jedao's lips, quick and light. "You'll have to let go of me first, though, Jed'ika," he adds, his smile stretching just a little wider, going teasing and wry.
"Oh Force-" His eyes slip half shut and he takes a slightly shuddering breath. "That's such a long list, there's so kriffing much I want." He licks his lips and pushes up and back, ducked low under the bunk but sitting on his haunches now so he's not looming over Jedao. In case what he wants is... too much. To even hear.
"But... but I'd like. To be able to see you," he finally answers, and his eyes are dark and a little unfocused as he thinks of it. "To... watch you. Touch yourself and-" His voice has dropped into a low, unsteady rasp, and he has to lick dry lips again before he can finish. "And make yourself come."
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Muffling himself in their pillows, stroking himself hard and desperate to the idea of Fives holding him, getting off on him, in several meanings of the words, instead of just the metaphorical one that had been true at the time. "Fire and ash, the smell is even stronger this time."
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"Okay." He does shift a little, just so he's not resting his full weight against Jedao, and settles comfortably against him. "... thank you, Jed'ika," he adds in an almost whisper as he tips his head against Jedao's shoulder so he can look solemnly up at him.
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"I don't thank you enough, cyar'ika. But it's only because I don't know how to even begin. Do you remember, that day at the pond, we talked about - happiness, and hope, and pain. And why people choose to live. I wanted to die when I met you."
His voice is soft, steady, a smooth cadence to match the brushing of his fingertips, the slow steadying out of their mutual heartbeats.
"I'd wanted to die for hundreds of years. I was - very quietly, very angry, that the ship wouldn't let me. I'd earned it, and I was denied. I'm - willing to live, for the mission. For all the vod'ike. But I want to live because I have you."
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He reaches up to gently brush his fingertips to Jedao's bottom lip, then across to cup his jaw. "I... can't imagine life without you, anymore," he confesses quietly. "I don't... I don't want to try." Which is dangerous, and frightening, because everyone in his life has always been disposable, and life has always been, will always be, dangerous. But it's true.
"... I want to be that. For you."
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"I can. Imagine. I don't want to either."
He half-hides his face in Fives' hair. "There's things about - being with you. That scare the hell out of me. Not just sex. I'm not - I haven't done this, very much. Loved people. It hasn't...gone well for me. Historically. But being without you scares me so much more. I need you. And I know that's - a lot. And I know I can't promise not to fuck it all up. But I promise, you aren't going to lose me for being difficult. For pushing. Kidneyfucking scorpions, I push you all the time! I'm so scared of. Being bad for you. I need to know you'll push back."
A breath, a cough, an echo. "Not, uh, just sex." Although that's. Good. Helpful.
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He pushes up a little on one elbow so he can look properly down at Jedao, expression solemn and a little sad. "I've lost... I've lost everyone I've ever loved. I've lost... everyone." Loved or not. His first memories are all tied in fear and pain and loss, and almost every memory after. He thinks of Rex's handprint on his chest, in Echo's memory. Hevy's rotary blaster on his shoulder. Watching the Rishi eel snap up Cutup like a snack, Tup going limp and grey on the table on Kamino, and dozens and hundreds and thousands of others, on planets all over the galaxy. Dying in fear and pain and chaos. Over and over. And then... just picking up and moving on, because it's what they were made for. "It's... scary. And hard." And he can't seem to stop loving regardless.
"No one's ever needed me. We were... we were never allowed to need, or even to want, and... I don't know how to do. Any of this? So I don't... I don't know when it's okay to push, what's normal, what it's okay to... to want. But you've taught me more about... about being allowed to want? Than anyone. I'm just. I'm still figuring it out? How it all works? But you care, you want things for me, and for our brothers, that I've never even thought of, never could have known were options.
"I just... I think we're learning together? And we're probably going to both fuck up? And that... screwing up scares the osik out of me." Because fucking up, being wrong has never been an option. Never been safe. It's terrifying. "So I can only promise that... that I'll try." He ducks his head a little, terrified that what he's offering won't be enough for Jedao, but he can't lie to him. He won't.
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"That's all I'm asking for," he answers, relief palpable in his voice. "And - I don't know what's normal either. Or care. Saying no is still easier than please. I want to hear what you want. And don't want. And..the rest we'll work out together?"
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He's quiet for a moment, forehead still pressed to Jedao's, eyes mostly shut, just breathing as some of the fear-adrenaline eases before he speaks again in an almost whisper. "It still... it doesn't feel. Fair. Ruining that for you."
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He strokes his hand down the line of Fives' vertebrae. Fives was so careful not to lie to him.
"I do like him. A lot. But I don't need him, not like I need you. Not like I want you to feel happy and safe. You aren't ruining anything, you aren't - making me do or not do anything. I get to choose what's most important to me, that's all. And that's you."
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Which feels weird to say, but he's pretty sure it's true, that this is what it means. "Maybe in a few months when we're...steadier, and also hopefully fucking like rabbits, you'll feel differently, and we'll try it. Or maybe you won't ever feel differently. Either of those is okay."
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Jedao has to shove a hand into the small space Fives made between them and press the heel of his palm hard against his pants where he's still half-hard, despite the fraught conversation.
After a second, he catches his breath, eases up
"I think -" seriously, how did he get so beautiful. Focus, Jedao. "I think you'll be happier, if you do figure it out? Because now you feel guilty and confused. But I don't want you to - to try to force yourself to feel differently for my sake."
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He doesn't move or breathe again until Jedao shifts, and then he's trembling slightly. He forcibly puts it from his mind, though, and focuses on Jedao's words.
"I... I want to feel different. I want... I want to not feel this way." For Jedao, yes, but also for himself. He doesn't like feeling like he's denying Jedao something simple that shouldn't be a problem. He doesn't like feeling selfish when Jedao gives him so much. And he really doesn't like the idea of controlling someone he loves when he's spent his entire life under the control of others.
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"I would...advise. That you focus more on understanding it. Trying to force yourself not to feel things - I mean, you can do it. We both know that. But it's always got costs. You can't lock up a piece of yourself without turning more of yourself into a prison."
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"I... I won't. That would be-" His brow furrows a little. "It would be going back on my promise to you, to do it that way. And I'd rather understand. So it doesn't happen again."
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"Quentin wanted me to tell you. That he was trying to do the right thing."
Another kiss, small and simple. "For what it's worth, I think he did. For both our sakes. We - needed to go through some of this. And -"
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Jedao kisses him again, a little longer this time, nothing wild, just a second or three to let himself linger. After he pulls back, his eyelids flutter for a moment, his gaze fixing on the pseudoceiling of the bunk above them, bites his lip for half a second.
"Not to ruin the moment. But I really want to get off. Soon."
He hasn't remembered to lift the arm still wrapped around Fives' shoulders.
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When Jedao pulls back he stays close, watching the flutter of Jedao's eyelids, the way his teeth indent the softness of his still-swollen bottom lip... and then goes absolutely still again, breath stuttering at Jedao's words, at the image they conjure, at how much he wants to see it, or better yet make it happen. But he can't. He can't push there. He promised to trust Jedao to say no, to accept it when he does, and he's said no.
"I... I should probably shower now. Anyway." His voice is decidedly not steady, and he's gone just a little pale, but he smiles and leans down to drop another kiss to Jedao's lips, quick and light. "You'll have to let go of me first, though, Jed'ika," he adds, his smile stretching just a little wider, going teasing and wry.
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"Tell me something you want before you go?" A little tentative, but he's grinning. "It does a man good to have goals."
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"But... but I'd like. To be able to see you," he finally answers, and his eyes are dark and a little unfocused as he thinks of it. "To... watch you. Touch yourself and-" His voice has dropped into a low, unsteady rasp, and he has to lick dry lips again before he can finish. "And make yourself come."
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