He's lost so much, over and over and over again, but nothing like this, because he's never had anything like this; he really can't wrap his mind around exactly what it would do to him to lose it.
He pushes up a little on one elbow so he can look properly down at Jedao, expression solemn and a little sad. "I've lost... I've lost everyone I've ever loved. I've lost... everyone." Loved or not. His first memories are all tied in fear and pain and loss, and almost every memory after. He thinks of Rex's handprint on his chest, in Echo's memory. Hevy's rotary blaster on his shoulder. Watching the Rishi eel snap up Cutup like a snack, Tup going limp and grey on the table on Kamino, and dozens and hundreds and thousands of others, on planets all over the galaxy. Dying in fear and pain and chaos. Over and over. And then... just picking up and moving on, because it's what they were made for. "It's... scary. And hard." And he can't seem to stop loving regardless.
"No one's ever needed me. We were... we were never allowed to need, or even to want, and... I don't know how to do. Any of this? So I don't... I don't know when it's okay to push, what's normal, what it's okay to... to want. But you've taught me more about... about being allowed to want? Than anyone. I'm just. I'm still figuring it out? How it all works? But you care, you want things for me, and for our brothers, that I've never even thought of, never could have known were options.
"I just... I think we're learning together? And we're probably going to both fuck up? And that... screwing up scares the osik out of me." Because fucking up, being wrong has never been an option. Never been safe. It's terrifying. "So I can only promise that... that I'll try." He ducks his head a little, terrified that what he's offering won't be enough for Jedao, but he can't lie to him. He won't.
Jedao's arm goes tight for a moment, slung over his shoulders, a fierce embrace.
"That's all I'm asking for," he answers, relief palpable in his voice. "And - I don't know what's normal either. Or care. Saying no is still easier than please. I want to hear what you want. And don't want. And..the rest we'll work out together?"
Fives almost collapses against him in relief, dropping down until he can press their foreheads together again. "I'll try to remember that, cyar'ika," he promises. "I'll try to push, and let you say no when it's too much." Respect his strength and ability to protect himself, rather than handling him too cautiously. "And I'll try to tell you what I want... when I can figure it out." Which he's not always good at until the moment has passed and he realizes that something hadn't worked for him, or remembers that he's allowed to say no, now.
He's quiet for a moment, forehead still pressed to Jedao's, eyes mostly shut, just breathing as some of the fear-adrenaline eases before he speaks again in an almost whisper. "It still... it doesn't feel. Fair. Ruining that for you."
"Fair is for accountants and sporting events," Jedao says decisively. "I love you, I'm not keeping score."
He strokes his hand down the line of Fives' vertebrae. Fives was so careful not to lie to him.
"I do like him. A lot. But I don't need him, not like I need you. Not like I want you to feel happy and safe. You aren't ruining anything, you aren't - making me do or not do anything. I get to choose what's most important to me, that's all. And that's you."
Fives arches into the touch like a cat, easy and supple and warm, then settles back against Jedao with a soft, slow exhale. "Just... remember that it goes both ways, Jed'ika. That I love you, and... and I want you to feel happy and safe, too," he murmurs, rocking their foreheads gently together. "That I want you to... to have the things you need. And want." And he wishes he could figure out how to give him this one thing.
"I'll remember." He tilts his face the extra inch it takes to press a brief kiss to Fives' mouth. "I feel. Happy and safe right now."
Which feels weird to say, but he's pretty sure it's true, that this is what it means. "Maybe in a few months when we're...steadier, and also hopefully fucking like rabbits, you'll feel differently, and we'll try it. Or maybe you won't ever feel differently. Either of those is okay."
Those few words make Fives beam like the sun suddenly coming out; the idea that he's making Jedao feel that way. "I'll... I'll try, Jed'ika. To figure it out. To feel differently." To let him have this.
Jedao has to shove a hand into the small space Fives made between them and press the heel of his palm hard against his pants where he's still half-hard, despite the fraught conversation.
After a second, he catches his breath, eases up
"I think -" seriously, how did he get so beautiful. Focus, Jedao. "I think you'll be happier, if you do figure it out? Because now you feel guilty and confused. But I don't want you to - to try to force yourself to feel differently for my sake."
Fives goes absolutely statue still as Jedao shoves his hand between them, not even breathing as he realizes what Jedao's doing. The urge to rock down against Jedao is almost overwhelming, despite the sticky, cooling mess in his pants, but this is something he's already pushed on, already heard Jedao's no to. He wants so much, though.
He doesn't move or breathe again until Jedao shifts, and then he's trembling slightly. He forcibly puts it from his mind, though, and focuses on Jedao's words.
"I... I want to feel different. I want... I want to not feel this way." For Jedao, yes, but also for himself. He doesn't like feeling like he's denying Jedao something simple that shouldn't be a problem. He doesn't like feeling selfish when Jedao gives him so much. And he really doesn't like the idea of controlling someone he loves when he's spent his entire life under the control of others.
"Okay," he agrees softly, because he can understand that. After a shaky breath he returns his hand to stroking up and down Fives' back.
"I would...advise. That you focus more on understanding it. Trying to force yourself not to feel things - I mean, you can do it. We both know that. But it's always got costs. You can't lock up a piece of yourself without turning more of yourself into a prison."
His smile doesn't fade so much as mellow into something smaller and softer but just as warm, and he drops a light kiss on the corner of Jedao's mouth in pleasure at his understanding.
"I... I won't. That would be-" His brow furrows a little. "It would be going back on my promise to you, to do it that way. And I'd rather understand. So it doesn't happen again."
Jedao kisses him again, a little longer this time, nothing wild, just a second or three to let himself linger. After he pulls back, his eyelids flutter for a moment, his gaze fixing on the pseudoceiling of the bunk above them, bites his lip for half a second.
"Not to ruin the moment. But I really want to get off. Soon."
He hasn't remembered to lift the arm still wrapped around Fives' shoulders.
Fives sinks into the kiss and lets it soothe the instinctive, bone-deep worry at having admitted that. At having admitted any of this. Even among brothers it's safer to take comfort without ever admitting that it's needed, that you're frightened or worried or hurt or weak. Safest to never even admit it to yourself. But it's different here, and it will be different at home when they return. It has to be. He wants more for his brothers than the viciously circumscribed life they've led... and he wants more for himself, as well.
When Jedao pulls back he stays close, watching the flutter of Jedao's eyelids, the way his teeth indent the softness of his still-swollen bottom lip... and then goes absolutely still again, breath stuttering at Jedao's words, at the image they conjure, at how much he wants to see it, or better yet make it happen. But he can't. He can't push there. He promised to trust Jedao to say no, to accept it when he does, and he's said no.
"I... I should probably shower now. Anyway." His voice is decidedly not steady, and he's gone just a little pale, but he smiles and leans down to drop another kiss to Jedao's lips, quick and light. "You'll have to let go of me first, though, Jed'ika," he adds, his smile stretching just a little wider, going teasing and wry.
"Oh Force-" His eyes slip half shut and he takes a slightly shuddering breath. "That's such a long list, there's so kriffing much I want." He licks his lips and pushes up and back, ducked low under the bunk but sitting on his haunches now so he's not looming over Jedao. In case what he wants is... too much. To even hear.
"But... but I'd like. To be able to see you," he finally answers, and his eyes are dark and a little unfocused as he thinks of it. "To... watch you. Touch yourself and-" His voice has dropped into a low, unsteady rasp, and he has to lick dry lips again before he can finish. "And make yourself come."
He's a mess, hair rucked up, uniform shirt open and in disarray, his pants obviously tented, his mouth still wet and lips slightly swollen. Jedao's own eyes are half-lidded, glittering, captivated by Fives' eyes, but his mouth, and he moans, low and soft at the answer. The more eyes the better. He likes, he thinks, the idea of being watched. Certainly it's a less precipitous drop than the idea of being touched while he - of using Fives - he pokes at the idea like a kid with a loose tooth, how much does that hurt, what happens if I -
He presses his hand against the front of his pants again, seeking relief instead of restraint, moans again but grits his teeth against the edge of no, not yet, not quite that catches in his chest, and then collapses slightly back against the pillows, panting. He likes the idea, maybe if he could pretend he was pretending? If Fives were watching on the Roci's cameras, if Jedao didn't have anything to do with it, just because Fives wanted to see - Jedao's hips twitch involuntarily at the thought, and it's true, he wants, he just said -
- and Jedao likes to ride every scrap of momentum he has as far as it will take him -
"You're too close," he pants, softly, squeezing his eyes shut. Too much like sex, intimate and inclusive, not enough like proper voyeurism - "Maybe. Stand by the door?"
Fives can't help but flick his gaze down as Jedao presses his hand to his groin... to his cock, beneath the tented fabric of his trousers. It makes his breath catch and shudder, but he looks back up at Jedao's face immediately, half drawn by the sound of his moan, half by the worry that watching too obviously will upset Jedao.
He's not sure what to make of Jedao's reaction, though, of the way he collapses, the way he's panting, his hips twitching. He looks wrecked in the best possible way, in a way Fives hadn't really expected he'd get to see; it's breathtaking, and he bites hard at his lip... and harder still when Jedao finally answers.
"Kriff," he rasps, tasting blood as he scrambles off the bed. He almost stumbles over his own feet as he backs towards the door and presses his shoulders against it. "Is this... is it okay? If I'm here?" he asks, breathless.
"Yeah," he breathes, but doesn't open his eyes. It's easier - Fives went to the door, Fives is at the door. He could leave any second - could be gone, if he wants to be gone, already. Jedao swallows, fingertips finding the bits of gold trim along his waistband that trigger the nanoseals to part, then gets frustrated with the details and just shoves his pants and underwear down to his thighs.
"Maybe don't talk," he suggests, rough-voiced, because sounds would be okay, he thinks, but anything he's supposed to acknowledge feels dicey.
He tries to bite back a groan at the sight of it, of Jedao almost naked and hard for him. Because of him. He shifts restlessly, breathing shallow, heart hammering, and acknowledges Jedao's request with a grunt. No talking. He can do no talking.
Jedao tugs one glove off with his teeth, roughly enough to redden the skin below for a moment, the scrap of black falling into the mess of the sheets. He grips himself tightly at first, hissing between his teeth, just to steady himself, then strokes more carefully. He still feels not-quite not-always at home in his own body; he's jerked off far more in the two months since he started kissing Fives than in the previous five, and that frequently fast enough not to think about.
But Fives is watching.
Hey you, he thinks, hand dragging slowly up and down, feeling tentative and vaguely ridiculous at once, at his cock or maybe just himself in general - hey, remember this?
Fives hisses in a slow breath as Jedao bares one long-fingered hand. It's so rare to see Jedao's hands, pale and vulnerable-seeming, and he knows it's significant even if he's not sure of the details. He's just sure that seeing Jedao like this, bare hand wrapping around his cock, hard and red and kriffing gorgeous, makes him feel like his skin is too small and tight, or like all the air has been sucked from the room.
He groans again as Jedao strokes himself, barely even notices the way he's pressing the heel of his hand to his own growing erection. He's too focused on Jedao, on how kriffing gorgeous he is with his head tipped back and his hand wrapped around himself; how much Fives wishes it was him with his hand around Jedao's cock, that he could lean down to taste and smell. He doesn't care about the wet mess in his pants, doesn't care about anything but watching Jedao, thinking about how Jedao knows he's there, how he wants him there. Force, he might come in his pants again.
All of his bare skin feels either chilly or too hot, the hair on his arms raised as if in the ambient electricity of an incipient thunder storm. He spreads his legs a little wider, makes sure not to obscure Fives' view as he digs his heals into the bed, jerking himself faster, less desperate than simply hungry and less cautious, like wolfing down a meal after verifying that no one present will take him to task for using the wrong fork. His legs twitch every once in awhile as he relearns his own callouses, as he shudders through the escalating sensation, his mouth falling open as his breath ratchets faster too.
Fives is watching, unblinking; breath catching with each pulse of Jedao's hips, watch twitch of his legs or tremor across the drawn-tight muscles of his abdomen. He wants to touch so desperately it's almost an ache, but he's also so grateful for just this that he feels lightheaded with relief and gratitude and, Force, arousal. He's not sure he's ever gotten this hard this fast in his life, and it's all just from watching Jedao work himself, and from knowing that he's doing it, at least in part, for him.
He wants to tell him he's beautiful, wants to tell him how desperately he wants to taste him and touch him, how he can almost imagine it's his hand on Jedao, how he can smell him from here, and it makes his mouth water. He doesn't say any of it. Doesn't do anything but bite almost desperately at his bottom lip to keep himself silent and grind against the hell of his hand as he watches. And fantasizes. And wishes.
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He pushes up a little on one elbow so he can look properly down at Jedao, expression solemn and a little sad. "I've lost... I've lost everyone I've ever loved. I've lost... everyone." Loved or not. His first memories are all tied in fear and pain and loss, and almost every memory after. He thinks of Rex's handprint on his chest, in Echo's memory. Hevy's rotary blaster on his shoulder. Watching the Rishi eel snap up Cutup like a snack, Tup going limp and grey on the table on Kamino, and dozens and hundreds and thousands of others, on planets all over the galaxy. Dying in fear and pain and chaos. Over and over. And then... just picking up and moving on, because it's what they were made for. "It's... scary. And hard." And he can't seem to stop loving regardless.
"No one's ever needed me. We were... we were never allowed to need, or even to want, and... I don't know how to do. Any of this? So I don't... I don't know when it's okay to push, what's normal, what it's okay to... to want. But you've taught me more about... about being allowed to want? Than anyone. I'm just. I'm still figuring it out? How it all works? But you care, you want things for me, and for our brothers, that I've never even thought of, never could have known were options.
"I just... I think we're learning together? And we're probably going to both fuck up? And that... screwing up scares the osik out of me." Because fucking up, being wrong has never been an option. Never been safe. It's terrifying. "So I can only promise that... that I'll try." He ducks his head a little, terrified that what he's offering won't be enough for Jedao, but he can't lie to him. He won't.
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"That's all I'm asking for," he answers, relief palpable in his voice. "And - I don't know what's normal either. Or care. Saying no is still easier than please. I want to hear what you want. And don't want. And..the rest we'll work out together?"
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He's quiet for a moment, forehead still pressed to Jedao's, eyes mostly shut, just breathing as some of the fear-adrenaline eases before he speaks again in an almost whisper. "It still... it doesn't feel. Fair. Ruining that for you."
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He strokes his hand down the line of Fives' vertebrae. Fives was so careful not to lie to him.
"I do like him. A lot. But I don't need him, not like I need you. Not like I want you to feel happy and safe. You aren't ruining anything, you aren't - making me do or not do anything. I get to choose what's most important to me, that's all. And that's you."
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Which feels weird to say, but he's pretty sure it's true, that this is what it means. "Maybe in a few months when we're...steadier, and also hopefully fucking like rabbits, you'll feel differently, and we'll try it. Or maybe you won't ever feel differently. Either of those is okay."
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Jedao has to shove a hand into the small space Fives made between them and press the heel of his palm hard against his pants where he's still half-hard, despite the fraught conversation.
After a second, he catches his breath, eases up
"I think -" seriously, how did he get so beautiful. Focus, Jedao. "I think you'll be happier, if you do figure it out? Because now you feel guilty and confused. But I don't want you to - to try to force yourself to feel differently for my sake."
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He doesn't move or breathe again until Jedao shifts, and then he's trembling slightly. He forcibly puts it from his mind, though, and focuses on Jedao's words.
"I... I want to feel different. I want... I want to not feel this way." For Jedao, yes, but also for himself. He doesn't like feeling like he's denying Jedao something simple that shouldn't be a problem. He doesn't like feeling selfish when Jedao gives him so much. And he really doesn't like the idea of controlling someone he loves when he's spent his entire life under the control of others.
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"I would...advise. That you focus more on understanding it. Trying to force yourself not to feel things - I mean, you can do it. We both know that. But it's always got costs. You can't lock up a piece of yourself without turning more of yourself into a prison."
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"I... I won't. That would be-" His brow furrows a little. "It would be going back on my promise to you, to do it that way. And I'd rather understand. So it doesn't happen again."
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"Quentin wanted me to tell you. That he was trying to do the right thing."
Another kiss, small and simple. "For what it's worth, I think he did. For both our sakes. We - needed to go through some of this. And -"
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Jedao kisses him again, a little longer this time, nothing wild, just a second or three to let himself linger. After he pulls back, his eyelids flutter for a moment, his gaze fixing on the pseudoceiling of the bunk above them, bites his lip for half a second.
"Not to ruin the moment. But I really want to get off. Soon."
He hasn't remembered to lift the arm still wrapped around Fives' shoulders.
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When Jedao pulls back he stays close, watching the flutter of Jedao's eyelids, the way his teeth indent the softness of his still-swollen bottom lip... and then goes absolutely still again, breath stuttering at Jedao's words, at the image they conjure, at how much he wants to see it, or better yet make it happen. But he can't. He can't push there. He promised to trust Jedao to say no, to accept it when he does, and he's said no.
"I... I should probably shower now. Anyway." His voice is decidedly not steady, and he's gone just a little pale, but he smiles and leans down to drop another kiss to Jedao's lips, quick and light. "You'll have to let go of me first, though, Jed'ika," he adds, his smile stretching just a little wider, going teasing and wry.
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"Tell me something you want before you go?" A little tentative, but he's grinning. "It does a man good to have goals."
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"But... but I'd like. To be able to see you," he finally answers, and his eyes are dark and a little unfocused as he thinks of it. "To... watch you. Touch yourself and-" His voice has dropped into a low, unsteady rasp, and he has to lick dry lips again before he can finish. "And make yourself come."
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He presses his hand against the front of his pants again, seeking relief instead of restraint, moans again but grits his teeth against the edge of no, not yet, not quite that catches in his chest, and then collapses slightly back against the pillows, panting. He likes the idea, maybe if he could pretend he was pretending? If Fives were watching on the Roci's cameras, if Jedao didn't have anything to do with it, just because Fives wanted to see - Jedao's hips twitch involuntarily at the thought, and it's true, he wants, he just said -
- and Jedao likes to ride every scrap of momentum he has as far as it will take him -
"You're too close," he pants, softly, squeezing his eyes shut. Too much like sex, intimate and inclusive, not enough like proper voyeurism - "Maybe. Stand by the door?"
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He's not sure what to make of Jedao's reaction, though, of the way he collapses, the way he's panting, his hips twitching. He looks wrecked in the best possible way, in a way Fives hadn't really expected he'd get to see; it's breathtaking, and he bites hard at his lip... and harder still when Jedao finally answers.
"Kriff," he rasps, tasting blood as he scrambles off the bed. He almost stumbles over his own feet as he backs towards the door and presses his shoulders against it. "Is this... is it okay? If I'm here?" he asks, breathless.
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"Maybe don't talk," he suggests, rough-voiced, because sounds would be okay, he thinks, but anything he's supposed to acknowledge feels dicey.
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But Fives is watching.
Hey you, he thinks, hand dragging slowly up and down, feeling tentative and vaguely ridiculous at once, at his cock or maybe just himself in general - hey, remember this?
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He groans again as Jedao strokes himself, barely even notices the way he's pressing the heel of his hand to his own growing erection. He's too focused on Jedao, on how kriffing gorgeous he is with his head tipped back and his hand wrapped around himself; how much Fives wishes it was him with his hand around Jedao's cock, that he could lean down to taste and smell. He doesn't care about the wet mess in his pants, doesn't care about anything but watching Jedao, thinking about how Jedao knows he's there, how he wants him there. Force, he might come in his pants again.
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All of his bare skin feels either chilly or too hot, the hair on his arms raised as if in the ambient electricity of an incipient thunder storm. He spreads his legs a little wider, makes sure not to obscure Fives' view as he digs his heals into the bed, jerking himself faster, less desperate than simply hungry and less cautious, like wolfing down a meal after verifying that no one present will take him to task for using the wrong fork. His legs twitch every once in awhile as he relearns his own callouses, as he shudders through the escalating sensation, his mouth falling open as his breath ratchets faster too.
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He wants to tell him he's beautiful, wants to tell him how desperately he wants to taste him and touch him, how he can almost imagine it's his hand on Jedao, how he can smell him from here, and it makes his mouth water. He doesn't say any of it. Doesn't do anything but bite almost desperately at his bottom lip to keep himself silent and grind against the hell of his hand as he watches. And fantasizes. And wishes.
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