[It's a highlands climate, on a planet with about .9 standard gravity, soft silver-green heather wide vistas. The breeze is cool but temperate. Jedao sits on the roll of a low hill, knees drawn up, looking up at a genuinely spectacular shimmering aurora.
It's fine. Mikodez knows all these weaknesses already.]
Mikodez takes a moment to look around before sitting down next to Jedao, legs outstretched as he leans back on his hands a moment to look up at the sky.
"Your warden asked me to speak to you. He's also admitted that his job is accidentally causing disasters," it's the accidental part that would make him shake his head, if he did that, "And yet here I am anyway. The choices we make, or something along those lines."
"I'm aware of what he's like," Jedao says, mostly to eat up a breath of time, to let himself come to terms with Holden asked him. It's easy to falsify, and thus far too stupid a lie to bother with.
"He also used the words 'go easy on him', which I have added to the balance of which of you is more insane. He is winning. In case you were wondering."
Mikodez doesn't actually have any sort of noticeable physical tell when he's telling the truth or lying or anything, really. He wouldn't have a job if he did.
"It was less a specific statement and more general information sharing. We 'met' a few times before I arrived on the barge, you probably don't remember, unless Kujen exaggerated his ability to edit your memories."
He laughs; truth value isn't the main point of a good joke anyhow. Then he sobers.
"You said. In that first message."
He'd thought it was weird. And then - he'd never thought of it again. He'd known, in the flood, that Kujen did that. He hasn't thought about it since the end of the flood at all.
Admittedly, he's had other things on his mind. But - of course it makes sense. Of course Kujen would, of course he could. But Jedao never thought about it. Which makes sense too. There's not much point if he just keeps figuring it out - Kujen could just keep tweaking until he didn't. Until his mind didn't go there.
Jedao wonders how much he had to be changed. If it was more like aversion training, or - structural, somehow, a hobbling that reconfigured his capacity for curiosity or introspection, or - it's not that it hurts to think about, that would be too obvious. But it feels like wearing heavy gear in a thin atmosphere, or high gravity. Every step takes deliberate effort. He should be horrified, he should be angry and bitter and scared, but he just feels numb. Like it isn't real. Like it could slide off him like blood wiped off glass. The impulse to neatness is far more like Kujen than himself. Than himself as he currently understands himself.
"I wanted to know if the Admiral restored them." And a whole host of other things but they're Shuos, he doesn't need - and it'd be vaguely insulting - to lay out what he had hoped to learn from various interactions.
He knows quite a lot about the process, Kujen had never exactly needed encouragement and whatever else he is, Mikodez suspects that he's too much of a Nirai for his...technical enthusiasm to be a cover, even if with the base assumption that he'd been lying about a lot. Then there had been his own research, after all, he was the one expected to take care of things if it came down to it.
"We had a couple of conversations. He didn't exactly appreciate the direction some of them went. You worked as an instructor for certain...scenarios." He knows those gaps, he doesn't know what else Kujen might have removed.
It hurts. It feels like someone taking a wrench to his bad ribs; to have had it, to have lost it, to only know it now through Mikodez's ominous delicacy -
"No, the Admiral didn't restore them." Not that he needs to say it. He isn't reacting, not outwardly, but that says enough.
"Pretty. I probably could pull out some facts but vacations to visit aren't exactly common."
As Jedao knows, could've known before but - Mikodez has put the flood away.
"There's one thing you might want to know, but Holden probably has it somewhere." If he doesn't want to hear it from him, a choice, though he doesn't think it would be better to hear it first from someone - outside. Necessarily.
"Somewhere," he mutters darkly, because fuck only knows what that means, in his mess of a file, even with the Roci to help sort it - and Mikodez knows exactly what a fishhook it is, the asshole.
What he really doesn't want is to obsess over descriptions that will never be the same as memories, if he can't get the real thing back somehow, scouring himself to pieces out of hunger and doubt, with no way of knowing how much is missing or how much it's been colored by the telling, his standby fears of Mikodez metastasizing into everything he thinks, everything he is -
"Despite occasional accusations to the contrary, I do want to live, with my ego intact, so I think I'll skip on an attempt at physical violence."
The other Mikodez, who's relationship with Kujen had remained at a far more careful distance, hadn't had this conversation. Zehun would be so proud of how carefully diplomatic he'd been when it'd come to the Nirai hexarch except, of course, they hadn't been.
"You were the prototype for Kel formation instinct." He's not replicating the talk this time, simply offering the facts.
Jedao rolls his eyes at the literalist fussing. Really, if he were willing to kill Mikodez at all, he'd probably have done it by now just to prove it, or get it over with, or gently encourage him to shut up about everything doing to avoid it.
He goes very still, when Mikodez says it, just like last time. A paltry but necessary cover.
"Why -" The same question as last time - Cheris's time - but now, here, Jedao doesn't elaborate on the questions. He has other sources, for one, and doesn't need to play as cagey with his suspicions for another, his mind putting together the horror and the obvious implications. It wouldn't be in Kujen's interests to make a stronger leash for him if someone else could hold it, for one thing. So there would have been some reason it didn't work, not quite the way Kel Command wanted or needed it to. If there's more to it - he can start with the file.
'Thank you." Also quietly. He is glad he didn't hear this from Holden, or just stumbled on searching for pieces of a ransacked past, in as much as he's capable of feeling glad about anything right now.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Private
Private
[I wish I had someone else I trusted to check on you, he thinks.]
Where do you want to meet?
[Because he doesn't have such a person. Because this might be theoretically safer over the network, but his instincts say otherwise.]
Private
The Enclosure. Put in wherever you want.
Private
It's fine. Mikodez knows all these weaknesses already.]
no subject
"Your warden asked me to speak to you. He's also admitted that his job is accidentally causing disasters," it's the accidental part that would make him shake his head, if he did that, "And yet here I am anyway. The choices we make, or something along those lines."
no subject
"What did he ask you to say?"
no subject
Mikodez doesn't actually have any sort of noticeable physical tell when he's telling the truth or lying or anything, really. He wouldn't have a job if he did.
"It was less a specific statement and more general information sharing. We 'met' a few times before I arrived on the barge, you probably don't remember, unless Kujen exaggerated his ability to edit your memories."
no subject
"You said. In that first message."
He'd thought it was weird. And then - he'd never thought of it again. He'd known, in the flood, that Kujen did that. He hasn't thought about it since the end of the flood at all.
Admittedly, he's had other things on his mind. But - of course it makes sense. Of course Kujen would, of course he could. But Jedao never thought about it. Which makes sense too. There's not much point if he just keeps figuring it out - Kujen could just keep tweaking until he didn't. Until his mind didn't go there.
Jedao wonders how much he had to be changed. If it was more like aversion training, or - structural, somehow, a hobbling that reconfigured his capacity for curiosity or introspection, or - it's not that it hurts to think about, that would be too obvious. But it feels like wearing heavy gear in a thin atmosphere, or high gravity. Every step takes deliberate effort. He should be horrified, he should be angry and bitter and scared, but he just feels numb. Like it isn't real. Like it could slide off him like blood wiped off glass. The impulse to neatness is far more like Kujen than himself. Than himself as he currently understands himself.
"No, I don't remember," he says quietly.
no subject
He lies back, head on his folded arms.
"I wanted to know if the Admiral restored them." And a whole host of other things but they're Shuos, he doesn't need - and it'd be vaguely insulting - to lay out what he had hoped to learn from various interactions.
He knows quite a lot about the process, Kujen had never exactly needed encouragement and whatever else he is, Mikodez suspects that he's too much of a Nirai for his...technical enthusiasm to be a cover, even if with the base assumption that he'd been lying about a lot. Then there had been his own research, after all, he was the one expected to take care of things if it came down to it.
"We had a couple of conversations. He didn't exactly appreciate the direction some of them went. You worked as an instructor for certain...scenarios." He knows those gaps, he doesn't know what else Kujen might have removed.
no subject
"No, the Admiral didn't restore them." Not that he needs to say it. He isn't reacting, not outwardly, but that says enough.
"I don't want you to tell me."
no subject
He tilts his head back a little further.
"Have you been here before?"
no subject
"Passed through on a troop skimmer."
Yes, but barely. A nice place, but not one of any importance to him.
no subject
As Jedao knows, could've known before but - Mikodez has put the flood away.
"There's one thing you might want to know, but Holden probably has it somewhere." If he doesn't want to hear it from him, a choice, though he doesn't think it would be better to hear it first from someone - outside. Necessarily.
no subject
What he really doesn't want is to obsess over descriptions that will never be the same as memories, if he can't get the real thing back somehow, scouring himself to pieces out of hunger and doubt, with no way of knowing how much is missing or how much it's been colored by the telling, his standby fears of Mikodez metastasizing into everything he thinks, everything he is -
But of course he does want to know.
"Fine. One thing. Hit me."
no subject
The other Mikodez, who's relationship with Kujen had remained at a far more careful distance, hadn't had this conversation. Zehun would be so proud of how carefully diplomatic he'd been when it'd come to the Nirai hexarch except, of course, they hadn't been.
"You were the prototype for Kel formation instinct." He's not replicating the talk this time, simply offering the facts.
no subject
He goes very still, when Mikodez says it, just like last time. A paltry but necessary cover.
"Why -" The same question as last time - Cheris's time - but now, here, Jedao doesn't elaborate on the questions. He has other sources, for one, and doesn't need to play as cagey with his suspicions for another, his mind putting together the horror and the obvious implications. It wouldn't be in Kujen's interests to make a stronger leash for him if someone else could hold it, for one thing. So there would have been some reason it didn't work, not quite the way Kel Command wanted or needed it to. If there's more to it - he can start with the file.
'Thank you." Also quietly. He is glad he didn't hear this from Holden, or just stumbled on searching for pieces of a ransacked past, in as much as he's capable of feeling glad about anything right now.
no subject
"You deserve to know." The same answer he'd given Cheris, as honest now as it had been then.
no subject
"I'd like to be alone, now."
Something he says very rarely; as clear a sign as any how badly he's taking it. His voice is steady and solemn and soft.
no subject
He pauses for a half a moment but, after the barely noticeable hesitation, simply leaves without a word.
It had always only been partly about whether Jedao believes him or not.