"I wanted to know if the Admiral restored them." And a whole host of other things but they're Shuos, he doesn't need - and it'd be vaguely insulting - to lay out what he had hoped to learn from various interactions.
He knows quite a lot about the process, Kujen had never exactly needed encouragement and whatever else he is, Mikodez suspects that he's too much of a Nirai for his...technical enthusiasm to be a cover, even if with the base assumption that he'd been lying about a lot. Then there had been his own research, after all, he was the one expected to take care of things if it came down to it.
"We had a couple of conversations. He didn't exactly appreciate the direction some of them went. You worked as an instructor for certain...scenarios." He knows those gaps, he doesn't know what else Kujen might have removed.
It hurts. It feels like someone taking a wrench to his bad ribs; to have had it, to have lost it, to only know it now through Mikodez's ominous delicacy -
"No, the Admiral didn't restore them." Not that he needs to say it. He isn't reacting, not outwardly, but that says enough.
"Pretty. I probably could pull out some facts but vacations to visit aren't exactly common."
As Jedao knows, could've known before but - Mikodez has put the flood away.
"There's one thing you might want to know, but Holden probably has it somewhere." If he doesn't want to hear it from him, a choice, though he doesn't think it would be better to hear it first from someone - outside. Necessarily.
"Somewhere," he mutters darkly, because fuck only knows what that means, in his mess of a file, even with the Roci to help sort it - and Mikodez knows exactly what a fishhook it is, the asshole.
What he really doesn't want is to obsess over descriptions that will never be the same as memories, if he can't get the real thing back somehow, scouring himself to pieces out of hunger and doubt, with no way of knowing how much is missing or how much it's been colored by the telling, his standby fears of Mikodez metastasizing into everything he thinks, everything he is -
"Despite occasional accusations to the contrary, I do want to live, with my ego intact, so I think I'll skip on an attempt at physical violence."
The other Mikodez, who's relationship with Kujen had remained at a far more careful distance, hadn't had this conversation. Zehun would be so proud of how carefully diplomatic he'd been when it'd come to the Nirai hexarch except, of course, they hadn't been.
"You were the prototype for Kel formation instinct." He's not replicating the talk this time, simply offering the facts.
Jedao rolls his eyes at the literalist fussing. Really, if he were willing to kill Mikodez at all, he'd probably have done it by now just to prove it, or get it over with, or gently encourage him to shut up about everything doing to avoid it.
He goes very still, when Mikodez says it, just like last time. A paltry but necessary cover.
"Why -" The same question as last time - Cheris's time - but now, here, Jedao doesn't elaborate on the questions. He has other sources, for one, and doesn't need to play as cagey with his suspicions for another, his mind putting together the horror and the obvious implications. It wouldn't be in Kujen's interests to make a stronger leash for him if someone else could hold it, for one thing. So there would have been some reason it didn't work, not quite the way Kel Command wanted or needed it to. If there's more to it - he can start with the file.
'Thank you." Also quietly. He is glad he didn't hear this from Holden, or just stumbled on searching for pieces of a ransacked past, in as much as he's capable of feeling glad about anything right now.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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He lies back, head on his folded arms.
"I wanted to know if the Admiral restored them." And a whole host of other things but they're Shuos, he doesn't need - and it'd be vaguely insulting - to lay out what he had hoped to learn from various interactions.
He knows quite a lot about the process, Kujen had never exactly needed encouragement and whatever else he is, Mikodez suspects that he's too much of a Nirai for his...technical enthusiasm to be a cover, even if with the base assumption that he'd been lying about a lot. Then there had been his own research, after all, he was the one expected to take care of things if it came down to it.
"We had a couple of conversations. He didn't exactly appreciate the direction some of them went. You worked as an instructor for certain...scenarios." He knows those gaps, he doesn't know what else Kujen might have removed.
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"No, the Admiral didn't restore them." Not that he needs to say it. He isn't reacting, not outwardly, but that says enough.
"I don't want you to tell me."
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He tilts his head back a little further.
"Have you been here before?"
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"Passed through on a troop skimmer."
Yes, but barely. A nice place, but not one of any importance to him.
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As Jedao knows, could've known before but - Mikodez has put the flood away.
"There's one thing you might want to know, but Holden probably has it somewhere." If he doesn't want to hear it from him, a choice, though he doesn't think it would be better to hear it first from someone - outside. Necessarily.
no subject
What he really doesn't want is to obsess over descriptions that will never be the same as memories, if he can't get the real thing back somehow, scouring himself to pieces out of hunger and doubt, with no way of knowing how much is missing or how much it's been colored by the telling, his standby fears of Mikodez metastasizing into everything he thinks, everything he is -
But of course he does want to know.
"Fine. One thing. Hit me."
no subject
The other Mikodez, who's relationship with Kujen had remained at a far more careful distance, hadn't had this conversation. Zehun would be so proud of how carefully diplomatic he'd been when it'd come to the Nirai hexarch except, of course, they hadn't been.
"You were the prototype for Kel formation instinct." He's not replicating the talk this time, simply offering the facts.
no subject
He goes very still, when Mikodez says it, just like last time. A paltry but necessary cover.
"Why -" The same question as last time - Cheris's time - but now, here, Jedao doesn't elaborate on the questions. He has other sources, for one, and doesn't need to play as cagey with his suspicions for another, his mind putting together the horror and the obvious implications. It wouldn't be in Kujen's interests to make a stronger leash for him if someone else could hold it, for one thing. So there would have been some reason it didn't work, not quite the way Kel Command wanted or needed it to. If there's more to it - he can start with the file.
'Thank you." Also quietly. He is glad he didn't hear this from Holden, or just stumbled on searching for pieces of a ransacked past, in as much as he's capable of feeling glad about anything right now.
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"You deserve to know." The same answer he'd given Cheris, as honest now as it had been then.
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"I'd like to be alone, now."
Something he says very rarely; as clear a sign as any how badly he's taking it. His voice is steady and solemn and soft.
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He pauses for a half a moment but, after the barely noticeable hesitation, simply leaves without a word.
It had always only been partly about whether Jedao believes him or not.