"I don't think that makes you bad with people. Culture gaps keep fucking me up, too, and it's been a year and a half."
And Jedao is probably the most charismatic person currently on board, literally trained for seduction and infiltration.
"It makes you - specialized. And maybe now you're in a place where you'll be happier if you learn to pivot a little, make that strategy more flexible. But it doesn't mean you can't. You don't act like that because you aren't adaptable, Rhys. You do it because you are."
If it's any comfort, Culture gaps haven't stopped Jedao for seducing and infiltrating Rhys, even if it was more of a casual undertaking. He gives a little groan at the suggestion that he pivot, because-- yeah, okay, he definitely should work on himself, that definitely is down as a long term project--
It's just that in the short term, he's tired of feeling unsteady on his feet.
"It should be easier here." He complains again, to the crook of Jedao's shoulder, "People are almost never trying to kill me. Everyone's just nice to each other all the time. How can it be harder?"
Jedao huffs a soft half-laugh at the groan. Rhys reminds him of Quentin promising to take regular dueling lessons.
"I'm not saying you have to fix everything right now. Just that you shouldn't judge yourself like this is going to happen exactly the same way forever. It feels like it will, but it won't."
"No. It's like - I suppose you haven't done meditation. You ever have a drug trip where everything in the universe is swallowed up by one single all-consuming thought? Where you're so focused it echoes and echoes and echoes and there's nothing else?"
"Really bad pain gives you an approximation. The way it - sucks all the air out of you, pushes everything else to the side, and you can't think, can't do anything but whimper and cling through it. But instead of the pain, it's something else. When I was twenty-six, through the use of some elaborate and dubious pseudo-hypnotic mental techniques and also some very refined drugs, I tied a knot in my soul so there there would always be - one thing, one huge resonant symbolic impenetrable thing, a fire eating up all the air, curled up and waiting, that could sleep under my normal mind. But whenever I was subject to psychic interrogation, the fire would be there, and grow and grow and take over. And no one could scry my secrets because that fire would be the only thing there."
Normally he's very good at compartmentalizing it along with everything else. But once the spark caught -
Rhys feels a stab of guilt when Jedao describes it. Like maybe if he'd been smarter, sharper-- if he'd been able to think far enough ahead, made the right move when Bill pulled for Rhys to join him--
Maybe this is the damage he could have controlled. This is what he could have stopped.
Jedao's arm drops to hug Rhys to him a little tighter.
"It's alright. Like I said, it's a tool I built for myself. It's pretty heavy even for a shield, but it fits me. So I was just a little bit stark raving insane for a few days, but I can deal with that."
He takes a sharp breath, then lets it hiss out slow.
“It’s not the worst dream I could have had, which was always the point. I’d probably have been at least as good at torturing myself as a Rahal scrymaster, left unoccupied. But - thank you.”
"You don't have any nice things you could have imagined?" Rhys forces his tone a little lighter, finally, "Not much of a daydreamer? No Beautiful women? Lottery wins? Nothing like that?"
"That doesn't sound like the most relaxing fantasy, dude." He rubs his hand up to smooth over the back of Jedao's neck, "How are you feeling now? Is there anything you can do to unwind?"
Not including having low key hug outs with lanky cyborgs.
He makes a soft, earnest, hungry sound at the touch, then breathes carefully, swallows, tries not to do anything (else) that would be too awkward, anything that would make Rhys stop.
"Where I came from, the major legal branch of government is endowed en masse with the ability to torture people inside their own dreams. Handy for interrogations." He says it lightly, casually. It is handy, but also fuck the Rahal. "So you learn not to offer up your real comforts to be poisoned, if you can help it." Like making noise while hiking: a basic helpful tip.
"Mostly I feel tired. Even though I think I slept for two days straight after the stimulants finally crashed. Kind of hollowed out? Like you do after the biggest cry of your life, or a really good beating."
Which is possibly, but also possibly not, more than Rhys wanted to know about Jedao's kinks.
Rhys isn't stopping. If anything the combination of Jedao making that sound, and the unhappiness of what he's saying only ensures that Rhys is going to keep the contact up. There isn't really anything he can do to fix his decision to go with Bill, and there's nothing at all he can do about the world Jedao came from, but he can do this-- brushing a hand up to fluff up the hairs on the back of the other man's neck, before smoothing them back down again.
"Not to like, minimise any of the bad parts of being here, or the bad things that happen to us, but-- Holy crap, Jedao, am I glad that you're here."
Glad to have him out of his own world. Away from at least some of the nightmares that he had to deal with back home.
"I'm okay with minimizing it a little," Jedao says wryly, which is as close as he's probably going to come to saying everyone here is very whiny, sometimes. He settles a little more against Rhys's shoulder.
"I'm glad I'm here too. And you really don't have to feel guilty just because I have a lot of sharp edges in my brain. I've been carrying them around a long time."
"It's not guilt, exactly." Rhys brings his second hand around to the back of Jedao's head, rubbing his fingers through the other man's hair with both hands, massaging his scalp, "I just-- We're friends, right? And, it sounds like it's bad sometimes, and I wanna help, and I don't really know how."
It's bigger than him. And he's never really known what he was doing, about anything.
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And Jedao is probably the most charismatic person currently on board, literally trained for seduction and infiltration.
"It makes you - specialized. And maybe now you're in a place where you'll be happier if you learn to pivot a little, make that strategy more flexible. But it doesn't mean you can't. You don't act like that because you aren't adaptable, Rhys. You do it because you are."
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It's just that in the short term, he's tired of feeling unsteady on his feet.
"It should be easier here." He complains again, to the crook of Jedao's shoulder, "People are almost never trying to kill me. Everyone's just nice to each other all the time. How can it be harder?"
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"I'm not saying you have to fix everything right now. Just that you shouldn't judge yourself like this is going to happen exactly the same way forever. It feels like it will, but it won't."
His hand trails up to play idly with Rhys's hair.
"Unpredictable is always harder."
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"Thanks, man." He finally mumbles, "It's just been-- a couple of months, right? One thing after another."
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Rhys asks. He feels calmer now. Like some of the tension has drained out of him as he's slumped against Jedao.
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Psychic defenses anchored in consuming obsession aren't always gentle, but that's a price he agreed to pay a long time ago.
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The hand on Jedao's back rises up, touching the back of his head lightly, as if to check that everything contained therein is where it should be.
"I'm sorry, dude. Is that like-- where you can't help but think the worst possible thoughts at the worst possible time?"
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"No. It's like - I suppose you haven't done meditation. You ever have a drug trip where everything in the universe is swallowed up by one single all-consuming thought? Where you're so focused it echoes and echoes and echoes and there's nothing else?"
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A dog who's arms he fully intends to stay wrapped in.
"I don't think I ever had a thought like that." He replies finally.
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Normally he's very good at compartmentalizing it along with everything else. But once the spark caught -
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Rhys feels a stab of guilt when Jedao describes it. Like maybe if he'd been smarter, sharper-- if he'd been able to think far enough ahead, made the right move when Bill pulled for Rhys to join him--
Maybe this is the damage he could have controlled. This is what he could have stopped.
"I'm sorry." He says.
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"It's alright. Like I said, it's a tool I built for myself. It's pretty heavy even for a shield, but it fits me. So I was just a little bit stark raving insane for a few days, but I can deal with that."
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“It’s not the worst dream I could have had, which was always the point. I’d probably have been at least as good at torturing myself as a Rahal scrymaster, left unoccupied. But - thank you.”
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Disgustingly, hilariously literal. It had taken some work to imagine the hall clean. Thank the little eyes his uniform is black.
"It wasn't that I couldn't think of good things. It was the persistence of the others."
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Not including having low key hug outs with lanky cyborgs.
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"Where I came from, the major legal branch of government is endowed en masse with the ability to torture people inside their own dreams. Handy for interrogations." He says it lightly, casually. It is handy, but also fuck the Rahal. "So you learn not to offer up your real comforts to be poisoned, if you can help it." Like making noise while hiking: a basic helpful tip.
"Mostly I feel tired. Even though I think I slept for two days straight after the stimulants finally crashed. Kind of hollowed out? Like you do after the biggest cry of your life, or a really good beating."
Which is possibly, but also possibly not, more than Rhys wanted to know about Jedao's kinks.
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"Not to like, minimise any of the bad parts of being here, or the bad things that happen to us, but-- Holy crap, Jedao, am I glad that you're here."
Glad to have him out of his own world. Away from at least some of the nightmares that he had to deal with back home.
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"I'm glad I'm here too. And you really don't have to feel guilty just because I have a lot of sharp edges in my brain. I've been carrying them around a long time."
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It's bigger than him. And he's never really known what he was doing, about anything.
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"You can pour the whole ocean into a bucket, if the bucket has a whole in it," he says, slightly loopy. "Having friends helps."
It sounds small, but it isn't, not to him.