"James had a different - copy, format. This is the second one. I've been here over three years now."
He takes a long drink of tea, turns the warm cup around and around in his hands, wondering how much to say.
"I lie a lot less reflexively, now. And I lie a lot less in general, because I don't have to, and it's...nice. Usually. It still feels like getting kicked in the gut when I'm being honest and someone is a jackass about it, but it's worth it overall. I'm dealing with some of my neurochemical issues, although you're going to need to work a little harder before you earn details there. There's a whole chunk of memories that weren't even in the first file that I had to recover, and then recover from. I wouldn't say there's any one thing in the file that I don't need to bother with. I don't plan to go back to that world for more than a day, but it's all...context. We win, a few years after I die, and that's not in there but it's context too. I don't have the right to say it was worth it, the things I did to other people. I'm sorry about all of it but I don't regret any of it, because it worked."
I'm sorry about all of it but I don't regret any of it, because it worked-- suddenly he has a real idea of what it is that might be holding Garach Jedao back from graduation. Maybe he's wrong, but it's why he'd asked Jedao to come by before he'd done more than skim the file. There were things that he could see in a person that he'd never be able to pick out of a life story. That little revelation is one of them.
He rubs the edge of his thumbnail idly against the ceramic of his cup.
"All right. It's going to take me a day or two to go through your file in the detail it deserves and start coming up with ideas. I'd like to set up a regular meeting time to talk things over... and it's going to be a lot of me asking questions to begin with, most of them about sensitive subjects." He looks over to meet Jedao's eyes, smiling crookedly. "You can tell me to fuck off at any time, but let's be honest with each other, all right? I will do my level best not to be a jackass.
"What do you think? Daily, every couple of days...?"
Jedao grins in a slightly feral way, the kind of grin where you notice a person's eyeteeth.
"Yeah. Go through it, and see if your theory really holds." But he'll - mostly - let the remembrances speak for themselves. He tilts his head, doesn't soften so much as he turns to show another facet, his grin going bright and cheeky; a fox being fluffy and playful, and still wild.
"I don't mind daily, but I do not promise not to be a jackass."
And then a breath, his chin in his hand, a third thoughtful face - he does want, very badly, to graduate. And he has the perspective now of his work as a therapist. "I will try very hard to tell you to back off when I need to instead of lying to you."
"Well," Yunlan says, very dryly -- he can see he's treading on some sensitive ground, here, with the way Jedao has suddenly gone extra performative -- "I don't mind you being a jackass."
On nearly all topics, he can stand getting his fingers nipped. He takes another sip of tea: just about right, now, and so he takes another, because drinking it all too fast is easier than having to fish the teabag out and carry it all the way over to the trash.
"Thank you," he adds, dropping the dry tone in favor of going quiet and serious. "Does this mean if I do catch a lie, it means I should back off?"
He drums his fingertips, seriously considering the question.
"It means that either I'm in something of a relapse into bad habits, or I'm feeling unsafe, or both. Both of those are things you'd need to deal with. Call it 'proceed with caution.'"
Yunlan nods, knocks back the last mouthful of his tea, and sets the empty cup down on the coffee table. The picture of careless and casual, he stretches one leg out enough for a sock-clad foot to land companionably next to Jedao's knee.
"Understood. Last question -- any topics you want me to stay the hell away from, at least for now? I think it'll be easier for both of us if I don't find those by putting my foot right in it, and--"
He nods at the file.
"--I'm sure I'm going to have plenty of things to bring up."
"Like I said, I don't want to be coddled. And I'm in a better place than I used to be. There are still plenty of things that would be hard to talk about, but those are the ones I probably need to. I want to give you tools to succeed, but I don't want to control this. I need other perspectives. Or - if not that, then I don't know what I need. But I want to - try things. Do things. Make progress. I'd rather be a little bruised and learn something than be comfortable and stall out. Poke away."
He runs a fingertip over the cup's rim.
"If you're worried about it, give me space to deflect in, or - a more limited choice of topics. Maybe do some advance recon with people who aren't me. But do ask. Do push. It's - I hate feeling like, like I'm giving things away for free. Things you didn't even ask for. All this wide-open stuff - ask the questions. And then some of them will even be the right ones. Or that's my theory, anyway."
"All right then," Yunlan says with an inclination of his head. "I'll consider the entire territory open."
And he'll have to earn his giveaways from now on. He quirks a smile, and gathers himself back to his feet, scooping up the empty teacup to carry it back to the cluster of dirty dishes left of the sink it had so recently vacated. He may be able to do this, after all; there's a lot of reading to do, but with the ground rules set he's feeling a bit better. Every good improvisation needed a place to start, after all.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
"James had a different - copy, format. This is the second one. I've been here over three years now."
He takes a long drink of tea, turns the warm cup around and around in his hands, wondering how much to say.
"I lie a lot less reflexively, now. And I lie a lot less in general, because I don't have to, and it's...nice. Usually. It still feels like getting kicked in the gut when I'm being honest and someone is a jackass about it, but it's worth it overall. I'm dealing with some of my neurochemical issues, although you're going to need to work a little harder before you earn details there. There's a whole chunk of memories that weren't even in the first file that I had to recover, and then recover from. I wouldn't say there's any one thing in the file that I don't need to bother with. I don't plan to go back to that world for more than a day, but it's all...context. We win, a few years after I die, and that's not in there but it's context too. I don't have the right to say it was worth it, the things I did to other people. I'm sorry about all of it but I don't regret any of it, because it worked."
no subject
I'm sorry about all of it but I don't regret any of it, because it worked-- suddenly he has a real idea of what it is that might be holding Garach Jedao back from graduation. Maybe he's wrong, but it's why he'd asked Jedao to come by before he'd done more than skim the file. There were things that he could see in a person that he'd never be able to pick out of a life story. That little revelation is one of them.
He rubs the edge of his thumbnail idly against the ceramic of his cup.
"All right. It's going to take me a day or two to go through your file in the detail it deserves and start coming up with ideas. I'd like to set up a regular meeting time to talk things over... and it's going to be a lot of me asking questions to begin with, most of them about sensitive subjects." He looks over to meet Jedao's eyes, smiling crookedly. "You can tell me to fuck off at any time, but let's be honest with each other, all right? I will do my level best not to be a jackass.
"What do you think? Daily, every couple of days...?"
no subject
"Yeah. Go through it, and see if your theory really holds." But he'll - mostly - let the remembrances speak for themselves. He tilts his head, doesn't soften so much as he turns to show another facet, his grin going bright and cheeky; a fox being fluffy and playful, and still wild.
"I don't mind daily, but I do not promise not to be a jackass."
And then a breath, his chin in his hand, a third thoughtful face - he does want, very badly, to graduate. And he has the perspective now of his work as a therapist. "I will try very hard to tell you to back off when I need to instead of lying to you."
no subject
On nearly all topics, he can stand getting his fingers nipped. He takes another sip of tea: just about right, now, and so he takes another, because drinking it all too fast is easier than having to fish the teabag out and carry it all the way over to the trash.
"Thank you," he adds, dropping the dry tone in favor of going quiet and serious. "Does this mean if I do catch a lie, it means I should back off?"
no subject
"It means that either I'm in something of a relapse into bad habits, or I'm feeling unsafe, or both. Both of those are things you'd need to deal with. Call it 'proceed with caution.'"
no subject
"Understood. Last question -- any topics you want me to stay the hell away from, at least for now? I think it'll be easier for both of us if I don't find those by putting my foot right in it, and--"
He nods at the file.
"--I'm sure I'm going to have plenty of things to bring up."
no subject
"Like I said, I don't want to be coddled. And I'm in a better place than I used to be. There are still plenty of things that would be hard to talk about, but those are the ones I probably need to. I want to give you tools to succeed, but I don't want to control this. I need other perspectives. Or - if not that, then I don't know what I need. But I want to - try things. Do things. Make progress. I'd rather be a little bruised and learn something than be comfortable and stall out. Poke away."
He runs a fingertip over the cup's rim.
"If you're worried about it, give me space to deflect in, or - a more limited choice of topics. Maybe do some advance recon with people who aren't me. But do ask. Do push. It's - I hate feeling like, like I'm giving things away for free. Things you didn't even ask for. All this wide-open stuff - ask the questions. And then some of them will even be the right ones. Or that's my theory, anyway."
no subject
And he'll have to earn his giveaways from now on. He quirks a smile, and gathers himself back to his feet, scooping up the empty teacup to carry it back to the cluster of dirty dishes left of the sink it had so recently vacated. He may be able to do this, after all; there's a lot of reading to do, but with the ground rules set he's feeling a bit better. Every good improvisation needed a place to start, after all.