if you trusted me than you really would have to be disowned and i don't even know if we can do that here there's CEREMONY, not trusting is the whole POINT i mean i the person i'm closest to almost had me killed at eighteen and that's the other point
which is the whole thing about the job
you do it very well and then you die and that's the proper ending if some fucker doesn't mess it all up
not you except probably on some level of cultural consciousness fucking immortality they're all fuckers
[Than all of it, than the whole bleak best case scenario; mikodez and the child he was and everyone before and after him, the Shuos and everyone else - what does it mean, Holden asked him, for the world to be that big.
Even if Jedao wants to skin him, just a little, for the clemency of almost. It's not the whole story anyway.
[He's sitting on the deck, leaning back against the railings, staring up in between drinks of Jedao's Christmas gift. For once, he has a plate with some bread on it instead of any sweet.
He salutes Jedao with the bottle, his communicator, not quite abandoned, on his lap.]
You can't let anyone know that you care about anything. But you have to care about something otherwise you're too unstable. It's good advice but in the end one part or the other becomes true and then you're dangerous.
So many examples.
But people don't want to see if you're good enough at the rest of it and it'd be so easy to use that just to become it fully. I couldn't do that to them.
[I care about everything, and I'm unstable, he thinks, but that probably wouldn't be helpful. Jedao sits down next to him, gently pries the glass bottle out of Mikodez's grip and replaces it with a plastic one he stole from Scott.]
Here, it's just as sweet. And there's electrolytes, probably.
You did a good job, Shuos-zho.
[In a weird and terrible way, he's seen many of the same things Zehun has, in terms of what happens to the Shuos under other other regimes.]
[He lets go, only a little reluctantly. The glass was cold, even through his gloves.]
I just wanted to stop us from killing ourselves. Such a stupid waste, I don't know how we managed not to self-destruct completely. And it didn't have to be like that. I don't know. Wouldn't you have liked to know everything when you were twenty-five?
[It might be a joke. He could probably find it, if he looked hard enough. Instead he takes a drink of the punch.]
This is all fake, anyway. This drink, probably. But I'm not drunk. I don't drink because that would be stupid. So. Lying, that's all it is. I'm very good at it. The trick is you just get colored water.
[Or something. The point is that he's definitely sober and lying and not sitting down on the job of keeping up the proper level of...Shuos.]
You're the best liar, shuos-zho. I'm only being helpful because I'm trying to lie half so well.
[He doesn't like you at all, and this is all a weak gesture at pretending otherwise. The punch isn't poison because he knows Mikodez has no vulnerabilities at all, and definitely not because the idea of invoking even the image of succession gives him screaming hives.]
Double blind, it's only because you have the not lying lie down. It's a move. And you'd be a terrible hexarch. Worse than poison.
My nephew's an Andan. Was an Andan. Contact specialist. He was the only one who survived a border encounter, messed up his abilities, luckily I'm high enough up I could take him in without the risk of getting my brain fried. But it's so fucking stupid, you know? What does it say if you're not confident in your ability to turn someone when you're a fucking Andan. If he was a spy for me, she should've embraced the chance. Such a fucking waste. And you want that for eternity.
I guess we all have our lines. Not morally, obviously, but in terms of efficiency. [He doesn't have any morals, it's a requirement.] The consequences of ones actions.
[He drinks half of the cup, it's nice and chilled. Just the recommended temperature for punch. He's pretty sure.]
I like reading things were people have all these dramatic reasons for not sleeping. You're probably there, somewhere. Definitely in some of the more painful dramas. Did any of your anchors ever watch those? If not there's one horror you avoided.
All of them? The vast majority are hilarious, yes, and can cheer up any day that you're afraid contains to much taste but I've always felt there's a limit to how many tears any drama should have, per episode. Also how many sex scenes.
The best ones are from the time periods when they decide they can't use your name. Fucking hilarious. I tried to get them added to the course on disguises for the best use of a false beard I've ever seen but they stuck to just clips for classes on general propaganda.
I know. If there was justice in the universe, the fact I know this would keep me up at nights.
Fucking hawks. [Scars are identifiable, which can be useful but he remembers Tsoro's refusal and there's a strange sort of almost sentimentality to the comment.
He pushes himself upright.]
You deserved better. [He could argue coherently that he's talking about the Kel, not the text he hadn't responded to, however drunk he is.]
Fuck. Freezing to death would be an incredibly stupid way to die here. Since you'd make a terrible hexarch, help me to my cabin before I start getting actually sentimental and death becomes the only option.
True. I never thought I'd call you a lucky bastard but the alternative is probably admitting that choosing to go back is stupid and I have an ego to maintain.
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Re: 3:42 AM
which is why I don't trust you
Re: 3:42 AM
which is the whole thing about the job
you do it very well and then you die and that's the proper ending if some fucker doesn't mess it all up
not you except probably on some level of cultural consciousness fucking immortality they're all fuckers
3:42 AM
[Than all of it, than the whole bleak best case scenario; mikodez and the child he was and everyone before and after him, the Shuos and everyone else - what does it mean, Holden asked him, for the world to be that big.
Even if Jedao wants to skin him, just a little, for the clemency of almost. It's not the whole story anyway.
Missy obviously didn't give him enough water.]
where are you
3:42 AM
that's was the fifth point.
[Not at all sulkily, and it's through text anyways so,]
on deck. there are a fuckton of stars. you can count the voids in between.
3:42 AM
you keep having fun with that
[He's going to be there with a bottle of non-spiked punch in a minute.]
3:42 AM
He salutes Jedao with the bottle, his communicator, not quite abandoned, on his lap.]
You can't let anyone know that you care about anything. But you have to care about something otherwise you're too unstable. It's good advice but in the end one part or the other becomes true and then you're dangerous.
So many examples.
But people don't want to see if you're good enough at the rest of it and it'd be so easy to use that just to become it fully. I couldn't do that to them.
3:42 AM
Here, it's just as sweet. And there's electrolytes, probably.
You did a good job, Shuos-zho.
[In a weird and terrible way, he's seen many of the same things Zehun has, in terms of what happens to the Shuos under other other regimes.]
3:42 AM
I just wanted to stop us from killing ourselves. Such a stupid waste, I don't know how we managed not to self-destruct completely. And it didn't have to be like that. I don't know. Wouldn't you have liked to know everything when you were twenty-five?
[It might be a joke. He could probably find it, if he looked hard enough. Instead he takes a drink of the punch.]
This is all fake, anyway. This drink, probably. But I'm not drunk. I don't drink because that would be stupid. So. Lying, that's all it is. I'm very good at it. The trick is you just get colored water.
[Or something. The point is that he's definitely sober and lying and not sitting down on the job of keeping up the proper level of...Shuos.]
3:42 AM
[The joke, at least, he understands exactly.]
You're the best liar, shuos-zho. I'm only being helpful because I'm trying to lie half so well.
[He doesn't like you at all, and this is all a weak gesture at pretending otherwise. The punch isn't poison because he knows Mikodez has no vulnerabilities at all, and definitely not because the idea of invoking even the image of succession gives him screaming hives.]
3:42 AM
[He waves the cup at Jedao.]
Double blind, it's only because you have the not lying lie down. It's a move. And you'd be a terrible hexarch. Worse than poison.
My nephew's an Andan. Was an Andan. Contact specialist. He was the only one who survived a border encounter, messed up his abilities, luckily I'm high enough up I could take him in without the risk of getting my brain fried. But it's so fucking stupid, you know? What does it say if you're not confident in your ability to turn someone when you're a fucking Andan. If he was a spy for me, she should've embraced the chance. Such a fucking waste. And you want that for eternity.
3:42 AM
But it's always an eternity for somebody if there's anyone left alive.
[It might be better if that makes no sense.]
3:42 AM
I guess we all have our lines. Not morally, obviously, but in terms of efficiency. [He doesn't have any morals, it's a requirement.] The consequences of ones actions.
3:42 AM
[Loftily; almost tongue in cheek.]
Drink more of your punch.
3:42 AM
[He drinks half of the cup, it's nice and chilled. Just the recommended temperature for punch. He's pretty sure.]
I like reading things were people have all these dramatic reasons for not sleeping. You're probably there, somewhere. Definitely in some of the more painful dramas. Did any of your anchors ever watch those? If not there's one horror you avoided.
3:42 AM
[Also, this is 100% proof that the Admiral has a sense of humor, and it overlaps with Jedao's.]
3:42 AM
3:42 AM
None of them get my scars right. Bunch of hacks.
3:42 AM
I know. If there was justice in the universe, the fact I know this would keep me up at nights.
Re: 3:42 AM
Re: 3:42 AM
He pushes himself upright.]
You deserved better. [He could argue coherently that he's talking about the Kel, not the text he hadn't responded to, however drunk he is.]
Fuck. Freezing to death would be an incredibly stupid way to die here. Since you'd make a terrible hexarch, help me to my cabin before I start getting actually sentimental and death becomes the only option.
no subject
[He's definitely pulling Mikodez in gently to lean on him, though.]
no subject
[He's wearing his uniform under the more appropriate to the barge jacket so he's not truly freezing but he's still cold.]
no subject
no subject
no subject
[This might be an unnecessarily wordy way of saying: yes. Or not; Jedao's sense of obligation is strange and skewed, but strong.]
(no subject)