"I don't have any clear ways of measuring success," Jedao points out, and blithely ignores the order to drop the trash until he actually finds a trash can.
"My first permanent warden, before Hux, was named James Holden. He was good for me. Good to me. He was -"
He frowns, looks away as he finds a place to settle. He still misses James, almost two years after his disappearance. There aren't any notes from Holden; most of his version of the file disappeared with him.
"He was - a few months new, when we were first paired." Like you, he doesn't say. "He was intimidated by me, but he didn't let that stop him from trying things. And it didn't stop him from being protective of me, either. He wasn't stupid but he could be very - blunt. He would listen to me, but he wouldn't let me get tangle him up in riddles. Hux was...better than I expected. The straightforwardness, again. But he couldn't follow me as well as Holden could. Leaps of intuition. And he was too cautious. He didn't want to risk messing up and I felt like - like I was having to be the inmate and the warden at the same time, giving him permission, pushing him to push me. And maybe there's something to that, forcing me to initiative and examination, but I could do that without him, too, couldn't I? I ended up just feeling feral and frustrated and..."
He shakes his head.
"I hated him at the beginning. I made him a deal that I would only cooperate if he promised to agree to unpair after six months, if I didn't think it was working by then. I didn't hate him by the end. But I still held him to it. I felt like I was coddling him when I needed him to be not coddling me."
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"My first permanent warden, before Hux, was named James Holden. He was good for me. Good to me. He was -"
He frowns, looks away as he finds a place to settle. He still misses James, almost two years after his disappearance. There aren't any notes from Holden; most of his version of the file disappeared with him.
"He was - a few months new, when we were first paired." Like you, he doesn't say. "He was intimidated by me, but he didn't let that stop him from trying things. And it didn't stop him from being protective of me, either. He wasn't stupid but he could be very - blunt. He would listen to me, but he wouldn't let me get tangle him up in riddles. Hux was...better than I expected. The straightforwardness, again. But he couldn't follow me as well as Holden could. Leaps of intuition. And he was too cautious. He didn't want to risk messing up and I felt like - like I was having to be the inmate and the warden at the same time, giving him permission, pushing him to push me. And maybe there's something to that, forcing me to initiative and examination, but I could do that without him, too, couldn't I? I ended up just feeling feral and frustrated and..."
He shakes his head.
"I hated him at the beginning. I made him a deal that I would only cooperate if he promised to agree to unpair after six months, if I didn't think it was working by then. I didn't hate him by the end. But I still held him to it. I felt like I was coddling him when I needed him to be not coddling me."